The Daily Grunt
Part of the Regional Newspapers
Area: Gualon
Distribution: Gualon Town Hall
Ownership: Yet another orphan enterprise.
Language: Common.
OOC editor: Hmail News.
Note: This paper is published icly daily. What you will read now is an ooc monthly summary. Because it is published daily in a world with no printers or printing presses, you should picture the daily publishings as newsletters and not full-blown newspapers.
Issues Archive
2015
April 2015
News
Gualon hosted its annual spring festival on the 25th sun of this month. Festival goers were regaled with the usual street performances, comedy routines, and sexually-suggestive bard songs, but the festival highlight this year was undoubtedly the annual arm-wrestling competition. Hardonin of the Gualortan Tribe squared off against Jindi of the Jugriin Tribe. Jindi dislocated Hardonin’s shoulder in a record 24 seconds! Commemorate this victory with limited-edition Jindi grog bibs, on sale for 29 gold! (ooc note: Several citizens of neighboring Cenril have been spotted wearing Hardonin championship bibs.)
Gualon local Crisien is leading an expedition in the deep ocean between Cenril and Rynvale in search of legendary treasure. Those with a stomach for life on the sea should inquire with the pretty lass to join the mission. But before you go, be sure to stock up on anti-nausea herbs and rope-callus salve, now on sale for the low-low price of 49 gold,9 silver, and 99 copper for a one month supply of the complete set! (ooc: This is related to the Two If By Sea arc:https://www.hollowgame.com/wiki/Arc:Two_If_By_Sea )
Catalog
At long last citizens of Gualon have a place other than their mattresses to store their money. Gualon Bank is now open for business, and definitely a safe investment. We read the fine print for you. This bank is legit. But wait, there’s more! The Daily Grunt has a special offer exclusively for its readers. Send a minimum of 1,000 gold to The Daily Grunt’s headquarters, and we will move it into a high-yield savings accounts for a promotional low management fee of 20%! (ooc: Hmail Tristram for bank RP. Hmail Josleen to fork over your money for this limited-time, promotional offer.)
“IT’S ME OR HER!”
According to a source close to the governor, Tristram is two-timing fiancée Terra with one of his own race, the black dragon Crisien. Until recently, Terra was willing to look the other way so long as Tristram agreed to attend couple’s therapy. However, the pregnant vampire could no longer ignore the debonair governor’s invitation to Crisien to move into the couple’s mansion. According to another source who has frequent contact with Terra’s gyno, “Terra is furious. It’s the final slap! But she fears she can’t kick out Crisien, because rumor has it the dragon is pregnant too!” Thoughtfully, the source added, “Well, that and Crisien is a dragon.”
2014
July 2014
Catalog
For six days in a row The Daily Grunt’s pricey front-page ad space was purchased by Nothrobalug. Fear not, the Chieftain-Captain isn’t peddling his beloved fungus beer, but peddling his affection for a new beloved: Emilia. The ads are a declaration of love to that buxom farmer, but those of dim wit would not have figured just who Nothrobalug loves until the sixth day. Because orcs like to make the square peg fit in the square hole, each day features each letter of Emilia’s six-letter name to slowly reveal her identity. The astute would have solved the riddle on day one (“E” is for everyone’s favorite farmer), the obtuse by day two, and the orcs by day four. Good with numbers? Like money? Have an appetite for risk? Visit the Governor’s office to inquire about exciting new employment opportunities in finance and banking at The Space at the Lavender Pools. (ooc: This is a real thing! Contact Tristram. You don’t have to be oocly good with numbers or money.)
News
Several fungus farm employees have contracted mold poison and cave syndrome while working in the underground cave farms that supply The Fungus Brewery. Toxins and fumes released during the cultivation of beer-grade fungus can be fatal. The brewery has since implemented additional safety measures to ensure the welfare of its employees. But why entrust your life to others? Take safety into your own hands and buy these vanity gas masks. Staying safe and looking good are not mutually exclusive.
Farmer Emilia has been carrying a little extra weight around her belly and boasting a maternal glow. Could Nothrobalug be the father?! Yes. Of course he is, says a source who works at The Fungus Brewery. Buy a tiny fungus beer tankard for the baby’s first sip!
Terra: Pregnant and Alone! Tristram caught two-timing her while Terra discovers she is carrying two! All baby items are now being peddled in pairs.
Chieftain-Captain of the City Guard Nothrobalug has taken on two apprentices of humble roots and humble character. These strapping, strong, skilled, genius youths grew up poor and without love at the Orphanage. They picked themselves up by their bare toes, because they could not afford boot straps, let alone boots. It is remarkable how attractive, funny, charming, and sensitive (in that way that girls like, not the cry-baby way) these young men are. Everyone who meets them agrees. It is truly a mystery as to why they are single – and looking (but not in that skeevy, pervy way).
June 2014
Catalog
The Fungus Brewery is now open! Take a tour for just 5 gold. Beer poured from the first 10 barrels are half-price. Limited fungus and fungus beer merchandise are also available. An illustration of various fungus beer merchandise accompanies this advertisement. There is a fungus shaped bottle opener with the letters TFB painted on. There are tankards shaped like the brew tanks. Petrified fungus in glass casing makes for a nice education souvenir for the children. And fungus barrettes and bracelets round out the offering nicely for the ladies.
The Spa at the Lavender Pools is celebrating its GRAND RE-OPENING! Now that construction beneath the spa has ended, come enjoy the pools once more. 20% off all massages, 10% off all scrubs and facials.
Good with numbers? Like money? Have an appetite for risk? Visit the Governor’s office to inquire about exciting new employment opportunities in finance and banking.
Bard for hire. Singer and flutist, composer of original song. Seek the high elf Maldoff. Most likely found in Kelay Tavern, or The Hanging Corps
From the Governor’s Desk
Tristram has formally asked Terra to be his wife. The Governor thanks you for your well wishes and announces there will be an intimate engagement party to celebrate the impending nuptials with details to be released soon.
News
The Gualortan Tribe has recently elected Nothrobalug as their new chieftain. Shortly after, the Chieftain was appointed to the office of Captain of the City Guard by Governor Tristram. Chieftain-Captain Nothrobalug’s first official act was to issue a citywide notice warning would-be criminals that any law breaking within Gualon’s city limits will result in a trial, and is punishable by a severe clubbing to the head (no exceptions). Those looking to congratulate Chieftain-Captain Nothrobalug on his election and appointment are encouraged to order for delivery artisanal fungus beer. Limited-time flavors include cayenne mango, crushed swamp petal, chocolate bacon, and boiled troll. Each brew was crafted by famous alchemical chef and cicerone, Wiley Dufresné of Rynvale. Mr. Dufresné, the mad scientist in the kitchen, is celebrated across Hollow for his genius and creativity in breaking down ingredients to their most basic components and rearranging them to create an altogether new experience. 200 gold for a six pack. 350 gold for a dozen. Arrangements and inquiries can be made at the local orphanage.
A totem pole to Rothik, the Orc God of Conquest and Destruction, has been erected west of the orc encampment. Pay your respects in reverent attire. All Rothik paraphernalia is being sold just outside the sacred totem clearing by Scott, the orphan. Prices are negotiable and vary by demand.
Governor Tristram was seen getting cozy with Queen Satoshi of Frostmaw in her majesty’s kingdom. A source close to the Gualon couple says that Terra was furious, and was about to dump her two-timing beau when she learned she was pregnant. Still heartbroken, but putting her baby first, Terra decided to give Tristram another chance, but with a catch. The Governor had to propose. “She told him ‘Prove to me you’re serious about making this work!’” reports a source who speaks as though they were present during this feud. Within the week, Governor Tristram formally announced the engagement. The Governor proposed in the gardens with the path illuminated by glowing stones and various precious gemstones. Breaking from tradition, he presented Terra with not one, but two rings. A source says that in fact one ring is for Terra, and the other is for the couple’s unborn child. Interested in attending the wedding, but unlikely to receive an invitation? Daily Grunt editors have exclusive, sneak peek access to the guest list. Those wanting to attend the engagement as a +1 to enterprising guests on list can purchase entry for the bargain price of 650 gold!
May 2014
Catalog
Glass figurines, peerless in design and expertly blown by genius artisan Leone are going fast! These rare, limited edition collectibles may be expensive today, but their value is estimated to quadruple, at least, in 5 years time. In 50 years, you could very well be a millionaire. Contact The Orphans who will take care of negotiating a fair price and deliver the product to you safely for a low, low service fee of an arm and a leg!
Silvanya for hire! Always wanted to execute the perfect prank, but lacked the stones? Write Silvanya. Not above sabotage and libel.
News
The Spring Festival, organized and hosted by Meri in the Gualon Plaza, was a success! Vendors, artisans and performers from across the central plateau flocked to Gualon to engage in a day of merriment and commerce. Leone’s glass art was particularly popular. A few bards are named and their performances reviewed, among them Josleen whose act is described as “as lewd as it gets in a family-friendly setting.” Celebrity appearances (Tristram, Terra, Hildegarde) and their fashion choices are hyper-scrutinized. Festival memorabilia is on sale! Fashion look books to ‘get’ Tristram’s, Terra’s, or Hildegarde’s distinctive looks are also available; but act fast, limited supply! (ooc: RP Gualon’s Spring Concert is uploaded to the wiki.) Street repairs are underway after a rider and wyrm disturbed Gualon’s peace during the Spring Festival, at a location which did not disturb festivities. Governor Tristram is offering a reward for any information about the rider and wyrm.
An unidentified man attempted to break into Daine's home, located in the outskirts of Gualon. At the time of the attempted break-in, Daine was entertaining a guest, Meri. Daine managed to run-off the assumed burglar. Neither Daine nor Meri were able to recall what the man looked like. Feeling unsafe after reading this story? Buy 3-bolt locks, a Rottweiler, a magical flare, etc. Tristram and Terra BROKE UP?!?!?! Terra made eye contact with a member of the opposite gender in the crowded Gualon Plaza during the festival. Scandalous! “Tristram seemed unhappy and distant,” says a source that watched the couple closely during the festival. Beauty products and first-date restaurant coupons to the Grogshop are on sale for prospective single men and ladies who wish to pursue either of these newly single hotties.
April 2014
Catalog
Take advantage of this special, limited-time only Botanical Spa sale! 2-for-1 aqua no-touch energy massage at the Lavender Pools for the low-low price of 199 gold!
Residents with math skills or the ability to calculate the Future Value or Present Value of interest-bearing cash flows should speak to Tristram about employment in the spa.
Are you a talented musician? A flexible acrobat? A daredevil stuntman? Please contact Meri if you wish to perform in Methany Manor’s spring concerts! Ask for Meri at the Manor’s reception for contact details. (ooc: Hmail)
News
Tristram and Terra expecting?! A body language expert says that Terra is exhibiting all the signs of pregnancy, such as touching her abdomen tenderly. A doctor who does not treat the couple states that signs indicate that Terra is two months along. Despite the scant evidence to this gossip-masquerading-as-news, the article goes on to plug several advertisements for baby items and maternity care. The items are all being hawked by orphans.
An avian carrying a halfling crash landed in Methany Manor’s garden, ruining much of the budding early-spring flowers. The accident gave northern Gualon residents quite a scare. The Manor has asked that wounded guests and their visitors please go directly to the Clinic, because the Manor is not prepared to handle injured parties. The garden had to be replanted, so cue advertisements for seeds and fertilizer and gardening tools. While the news item is ostensibly informing residents about an event, each sentence regarding the Manor describes its luxurious décor, boutique charm, and even quotes room rates for the various suites. (ooc: The related RP is called “Getting Trolled by Flowers” and is on the wiki.)
March 2014
Catalog
The newspaper is first and foremost adspace for the various businesses throughout Gualon. While it is true that money fuels most cities to some extent, it is especially true for Gualon, the home of hustlers - orc and human alike.
This month much advertising is focused on filling up Methany Manor, a luxurious for-rent boutique hotel situated in the castle near the city gates. Perfect for those Gualon residents and visitors looking for a tea-infused, satin-and-silk, perfumed escape from street hawkers and Grogshop chest-thumping. Live music on weekends!
Underground construction for a botanical, rejuvenating spa has interrupted business at the Clinic. Those unemployed residents with math skills or the ability to calculate the Future Value or Present Value of interest-bearing cash flows should speak to Tristram about employment in the spa.
News
There is a reverent piece of the late Sir Sirroc, beloved Orc Cheiftan, husband, and father. He fell in battle defending our allies in Frostmaw. The Grogshop owner pours a tankard of Sirroc’s favorite grog over his grave every Sunday. Then there is a plug for a 2-for-1 discount of Sirroc’s Grog (as it is now named) available every Sunday.
Resident Meri won over Divoyn in the Titans of Winter Tournament duel hosted by Gualon. Tristram gifted Meri a fire-invoking scabbard forged in the Gualon smithy, the best smithy in Hollow. The scabbard is coated with pitch from the glorious Gualon swamps. Then there is a advertising plug for the smithy.