RP:Ruminating Rorin

Summary: Rorin clears his mind of worries and regrets before the mission to the Demon Archipelago to save Lionel.

Rorin sat peacefully in the grove. He was bare save for a pair of shorts, as well as a mix of scars and tattoos. The soft loamy soil was dense but cool in the forest air. The sounds of it washed over him with a light earthy breeze. Clearing his mind and drawing into himself Rorin intended to clear his soul. He began by concerning himself with the core of his being. With what would shape the most basic instinct of his mortal soul. Fear. What did he fear the most? Darkness and demons? Agony and inner turmoil? Strife by his own hand? The loss of those he loved? Rorin considered this until he came to the conclusion that he feared that which he could not control. That which escaped his grasp perhaps because he was not strong enough to defend it. Whether it was life, love, or a position of trust and honor. This fear stemmed from his childhood. When his friends needed him, he could not protect them. They had nearly died because he was not strong enough, not just physically, but spiritually, and as a leader, he could not stand strong where it mattered the most. With a deep breath he accepted that these fears might always be with him and moved on. As long as he understood his fear he could rationalize it and fight it at the source of where it came from.

Next he focused on what drove him instinctively despite these fears. Why did he pursue leadership, relationships, love, and happiness? And what was stopping him from obtaining them? Rorin had obtained these positions before only to fail. To make terrible mistakes. He had tortured himself over Oline and Artia. He had lost friends, soldiers, and companions at the battle for the bridge. He had harmed others unintentionally by his own hand. Khitti was a victim of his childish arrogance. Others had been harmed by him during his possession by the spirits. But he had to move on. To accept that these things happened. Atoning would happen some day. If he continued to torment himself over these short comings, he could never rise above them.

How could he accomplish those goals? To fulfill his personal drive, what tools could he use, and what prevented him from using them? He had been personally responsible for those terrible things that had happened, yes, but what action did he take or fail to take when they did? He had failed to communicate his feelings. He had lied, and cheated, stolen, and broken hearts. He did it with pretty words and phrases, turning his silver tongue into a knife in the back of those he loved. He had failed to understand the burden of command, or the truth of what it means to disobey an order. He had underestimated the enemy’s overestimated his forces, and charged ahead. He had turned against the will of one for the favor of another, and so, he had abandoned and betrayed those who would trust him. He had lost control of himself, his powers, his pride, and he had writ his own down fall. His mind turned in on itself and twisted his words and views and beliefs just as he had turned against others. These were his sins laid bare before him. He had to not only acknowledge his flaws but also learn to accept them. Only by admitting and owning these past transgressions could he grow as a person and gain the control so desperately desired.

There was more to life than what he wanted out of it. Who would he share these successes with? Who could he learn from, depend on, grow, change, and heal with? Why did he not already know and embrace these people? If he continued to seek out relationships both personal and professional, then was he still alone? There were many mentors in his life. There was Lionel, and Khitti, Hildegarde, and Kelovath. They taught him many things, each imparting their wisdom, their strength, their guidance. Did he deserve their trust? Did he truly accept them for who they are, and did he understand what they imparted on him? Had he allowed them to become a part of his life, and he of theirs?

There were many loves and heart strings tugged. There were friends and family, pets and people, though he could count so few close to his heart. Did the deaths of those close to him, and his perceived failure to protect them, deny him a chance to let others in? Rorin had loved Oline in a more personal way. Her life haunted him, knowing he was responsible for a part of the dark path she walked on. He had friends who had died on the battlefield, and knew he was responsible. When the blood and tears drained down their faces, he felt them departing. Although he would miss them, he could not mourn them for the rest of his days. He had to feel a part of them was still with him and give it a chance to grow. To blossom with new friendships and companions. Life and love of all kinds did not so simply die with them. It moved on flowing and changing around them.

Next he focused on these truths so revealed and began exploring them. To know thyself is to know others around you. What did Rorin know of himself? What did he keep hidden? How did these truths small and large affect who he saw himself as and how did that reflect on how he presented himself to others? Rorin was guilty. He was flawed and ashamed. Death and darkness had surrounded him. But he was also mortal. It was okay to be flawed. Accepting all of these mistakes and learning from them, growing past these lies and delusions, was the true test of a person. Who was he? Who did he want to be, and how had he kept himself from being that person? How had he hidden that inner turmoil from others? Rorin had always wanted to be a hero. He was a person of strengths and weaknesses. No matter his perseverance and courage, he was afraid. No matter his victories, had had many failures. No matter his virtues, he was capable of great and terrible sins. Being a hero did not mean being a flawless demigod.

Being a hero, if there truly was such a thing, was a matter of these same trials and turmoils, inner and outer. Kelovath had once said that often our true character is strongest when they are given the most difficult tests of faith. Rorin always had faith in the gods but did not always have faith in himself. He did not always believe he was living up to his potential. He had misrepresented his god, he had misused the powers so rightly given, yet Arkhen did not leave him. Rorin believed a great destiny lay before him. It was also a great burden. To be mortal is to err, to forgive, is up to the gods. In such a way and on such a path, he had not and could never surrender. And perhaps that is why in his darkest hours the gods had always been there. Despite the flaws and failures, Rorin didn’t surrender. He could not give in and be consumed by anger, or fear, or self doubt. There was so much relying on him.

That is also why Rorin hid behind insecurities and acted irrationally. Emotionally. Immaturely, at times. He had hoped perhaps such lofty responsibilities could be shirked for those moments. He had to accept that he was who he was, and he was fated to do and be so. To look ahead with a clear heart and mind, with optimism, and hope for himself and the world. To accept his place and his role within it. To know that despite being born for such a purpose, he chose to pursue it, not be bound by it. Within the idea of this task he could still grow and change as a person. As long as he continued to defend and protect those who would be harmed by others.

What greater purpose was there for him? How did it connect him to others and the universe? By accepting this divine will and guidance into him, did he become more or less of what he was? In what way did this reflect his position with those he would protect? If Rorin had to be willing to sacrifice his life for others, was he not also entitled to live, and enjoy the pleasures afforded others by his labors? Was he exempt from love and loss, from gaining land and wealth by conventional means and understanding?

Was his duty so great and hung so heavily over his head that should he ever stop, the blade of responsibility would fall and sever him from all he loved? Surely a single mistake could not undo all he worked for. Surely by accepting himself as a savior of the people, he was not necessarily deeming himself a servant of the people? He did not defend them for personal gain but because it was right. Did that give them, mortal or otherwise, reason to deny him such earthly pleasures in life? By accomplishing what he was meant for, did he condemn himself to nothing else?

Although he would die for his duty, he could picture himself teaching others as an old man. At what point did ensuring the lives of those around him outweighed his own? Could he take a wife, bare a child into this world, and abandon them so he could fight evil on the frontlines? How long did he have to wait before a life of comfort could he afforded to him? Rorin believed himself capable of something greater and knew he did not always live up to such potential. But by what measure was his worth? He could not doubt the gods plan for him, some softly spoken destiny, but at what point was his task finished? Would he ever truly know?

Rorin settled into the idea of fairness. He took up the shield to protect the weak. He took up the sword to slay the wicked. Such would exist till the end of time. He would not. At one point he would have to become an instructor in the ways of fighting evil and not simply a warrior. When that time came perhaps he could also pursue a truly fulfilling life beyond the battlefield. Until such a time arrives he simply must let go of the idea of obtaining a normal life. His duty, to protect others, in the name of the gods, who had given him the gift to do so, would rob him of glory, wealth, or status. It would rob him of days spent in even a quiet modest country life. He could no sooner expect to bed and wed a maiden than he could to lay down his shield and die. For it was exactly those hard working and humble people he had to protect. Perhaps it would be a lonely life. He was never truly alone however. He had to seek the comforts of family in those who would raise shields beside him. He would have to accept that others could live their lives without fear and be happy for them. This was simply the way it was. The way it had to be. It might be this way for a very long time. He could live with that.

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RP:Ruminating Rorin