RP:Affirmations
Summary - Brennia meets with Noah for another session but rather than discussing her PTSD or nightmares, they end up talking about her love life and obsession with death. Noah is mildly concerned that Brennia may be suicidal but at this stage he doesn’t think she requires any sort of drastic treatment. He sends the avian away with an important task. She’s to take a vacation so that she appreciates living.
Location - Dr. Noah Atwood’s office in Cenril.
Noah’s eyes are trained to parchment when the Avian is led to his office, as he’s busy reviewing her case. A stack of files are on his desk as business has dramatically increased in the past week and the doctor is bogged down with work. Who would think that Lithrydel had so many people with mental health issues?! Still. Each patient is different and the man tries to treat every case with respect and offers all the help that he can, because this is more than merely a job in his eyes. The man closes the file and lifts his chin to set his eyes upon Brennia and he greets her with an inviting smile, “Miss Brennia! How are you today?” The receptionist closes the door to afford them privacy and Noah waits for the woman to take a seat, before he carries on further. “How did you feel after our last session? Have the coping mechanisms been helping?” For now, his quill and fresh parchment are on the desk, but he isn’t taking any notes.
Brennia has been on a sort of high over the last couple weeks since Zahrani has been back from her trip because of all the excitement of planning a welcome home party, but best of all, Brennia has finally got a few good nights of peaceful rest. Her eyes look a lot less baggy and they even have some makeup on them today because she has been doing more experimenting with the Vinabre Cosmetics line. Unfortunately, the avian does not smell the same this time, but that would be due to the body shimmer hydrating lotion she is experimenting with. She does smell pleasant, though with the hint of coconut lingering as she enters as it isn't an overpowering scent and there is a glow to her shoulders, collar bone and arms. "Greetings Doctor Atwood," there is a warm smile for him that pokes dimples in her bronze cheeks as she courteously approaches his desk to shake his hand before taking a seat in the same spot as before. Today she ditched the large sweater and wears a spaghetti strap maxi dress that only accentuates her six foot two height while the cyan color contrasts nicely against her dark wings. The change in attire also shows more of the intricate ink pattern which seems to cover every inch of her bronze skin. She appears to be far more at ease with the second lesson already, "I am well. How are you?" The answer and question is genuine as she awaits his response because maybe people don't ask him enough. "I felt uneasy at first, I am not going to lie. My father was a proud man and frowned upon anything that can be seen as a weakness for fear of it being used against him due to his position," she opens up a little. From there he can probably assess they didn't have the greatest of relationships and mentioning him in the past tense probably means he is dead. "It was a challenge to fall into a routine with the coping mechanisms and it sort of fell off to the wayside when my love returned from her trip," there is an apologetic expression on her face as her solid teal gaze slips down to her hands resting on her lap.
Noah smiles at Brennia as their hands join for a brief shake before she takes a seat. The woman looks remarkably better than at their last session and her skin looks far healthier than anyone that he’s ever met. He notices the maxi dress and makeup and his gaze trails over the unique tribal lacing of her tattoos. Something or someone has put her in a happier place and he wishes that he could take credit, but it’s only their second session. She has a content expression on her face and when she asks him how he’s doing, he easily answers, “I’m doing well. I’ve been keeping busy and bringing in new clients. The other day I dropped by the charity event a few blocks over, and I’m pretty sure I saw you.” Noah had waved to Brennia as he was briefly conversing with Alvina, but there’s a slight chance that he could be mistaken. He knows of two avians that reside in the lands, and although their wings are conflicting colors he knows there must be more of their kind. “I trust you enjoyed some retail therapy? Or were you working at one of the stands?” Noah had purchased a book on botany and met some of the locals. He hadn’t stayed too long as social events aren’t really his thing, but it was nice to get out for a chance. “I’m glad that your partner returned from her trip and you look well rested. Have you had many nightmares or panic attacks?” She had mentioned that she sleeps better when she stays over at her girlfriend’s house and Noah knows how sleep deprivation can worsen someone’s symptoms. “How are things going with your relationship?” He figures that he will begin here, before asking any questions about her upbringing or her father. From her tone, he assumes that isn’t a happy topic and he doesn’t want to start off on a bad note. Some things take time to ease into and hopes that Brennia is comfortable enough to converse with him on the difficult memories.
Brennia pretends to be distracted by the book titles when it seems he is analyzing her, but her wings do shift ever so slightly as she gets that figurative overly exposed feeling again. She knows he is simply doing his job and she reminds herself that this isn't the first time someone has gotten distracted by the ink pattern. Avians are typically inked up, but avians are also pretty rare these days. "That is so great," she replies while on the subject of his own well being and her gaze finds him again. She nodded in remembrance, "yes, you and I were in line at one of the stalls and I said hello, but everything was so chaotic and you might have missed it." The avian nods once, "both actually. My stall was run by volunteer bard college students, it was the Vinabre Cosmetics booth." Brennia relaxes back on the couch some and crosses one of her long legs over the other while sharing about Zahrani, "I do? Thank you. I have not had attacks while with her, no. I do not wish to rely on her because I feel like it might put a strain on our relationship if I am dependent on her in that way," her wings appear to relax some as well - or maybe they slump. "Zahrani's culture is not so rigid with relationships as most are and they all float from partner to partner. So, we are not monogamous even though there are some days I daydream of a wedding or family, but that is not realistic for me… There is a pregnant pause here before she finally lets her gaze drop back to her hands on her lap as she softly finishes, "not anymore." Her fingertips fidget slowly as she clears her throat, "I do love her with all my heart, but because of our less than traditional relationship, I know she will be okay if anything happens to me." A tear falls and she quickly wipes it away with the back of her hand while a start to a chuckle escapes her, "it doesn't help that a man from my past who I used to clearly could see all of those things I daydream about has cropped back up out of nowhere." It makes her angry deep down as she mumbles, "it's not fair."
Noah smiles when Brennia reveals that she doesn’t want to use Zahrani as an emotional crutch because it could put a strain on their relationship. She very well may be the wisest of all his patients, because she recognizes unhealthy behaviors before they even start. The doctor dips his quill in the inkwell and begins to take notes, jotting down a few of the words she uses when speaking of her romantic life. Having multiple partners isn’t a common lifestyle from his homeland, but he knows little to nothing about Zahrani or her culture. It seems that Brennia harbors some resentment because she puts Zahrani on a pedestal and is solely devoting her attention to that one person. He doesn’t sense jealousy from the avian, but he senses regret, because she yearns to be the only one that her partner sees on that romantic level. “I sense some strain there, when you speak of Zahrani. Some people are alright with things being simple. They spend their time together, engage in some physical pleasures, but they keep their emotional connection to a minimum. From what I gather, most people that have more than one special someone, tend to have a fear of commitment. I do not know your partner, and I am still learning about you, but I feel as though you seek a committed relationship.” Noah lifts his right shoulder in a shrug, “Friends with benefits and casual dating is fine for a little while, but eventually someone gets attached while the other person gets hurt.” His warning is clear, but he doesn’t tell Brennia how to live her life. He doesn’t want to see his patient get her heart broken, nor does he want her to put all of her eggs in one basket and destroy her chance at true happiness. “Why do you think that you aren’t ever going to marry or have a family?” In their past session she mentioned stomach issues and he wonders if that plays a factor, but surely she could adopt or even use magic to make a child. “Everyone is worthy of love, Brennia.” This session, he assumed, would be about the woman’s past and how to cope with stress and lack of sleep. Noah’s glad that it’s taking a more personal tone and that he’s able to take a peek into her mind and heart. “An ex-partner reappeared? How did that go? Are old feelings kicking back up again?”
Brennia falls quiet as her jaw tenses out of fear. She is worried if she reveals to someone what she truly feels that they will look at her a certain way or from his position, maybe even have her committed to be monitored. The avian lets the therapist's assumptions of how her relationship functions fall on the wayside because she knows it is hard for most people to understand and that is okay. Her brow is knit together in sadness because in order for the doctor to understand this part of her story, she -must- share this secret and let the cards fall where they may, "uhmm." She pulls free a clean kerchief to dab the corners of her eyes, "no, I know. I do feel wholly loved with Zahrani and I believe I -am- with the right person. I just… I don't know how much longer my spirit is meant for this world. Allow me to elaborate," she dabs her eyes again while taking a shaky breath. "Around five years ago I died, but there was an entity that took my place four about," she pauses to think, "two months?" There is a sniffle and a gentle clearing of her throat, "I am not sure what happened during that time here with the living, but I was at a peaceful rest in the beyond. I sometimes try to remember that time and it felt like an eternity. I get flashes of my mother or brother's smiling faces," her large teal gaze is glittery with the tears shining in them and then they look away as the truth comes out. "I miss it," her voice is so small and defeated sounding as she is dabbing away more tears. "Some days I long deeply to be at rest again, but I put on my mask so people never have to be burdened with such a horrible desire. No one asks and I do not tell. Many times I do feel a rush of happiness from the things I am involved in, but it never really soaks into my soul for whatever reason. It is like when you're taking a deep breath, but you cannot quite get it to catch." Someone might even wonder how the woman even manages to get out of bed anymore if everyone truly knew this or even felt some of the things she has felt. "So… No matter how much I daydream about silly things such as a wedding or kids - I would never put someone through the pain of losing someone they love or hearing that nothing really makes them happy because they miss being dead." He asked about Niall, right? "Sure, I do still have feelings for him, but we just are the right people at the wrong time. I am with Zahrani now, is one very good reason. His mother is dying and with all of those mixed emotions, it is better to not start something up again, reason number two. The third one would be what I just mentioned because that is just too dark to put on the shoulders of someone I love. The final reason is that he up and left me behind when I needed him most… traded me in for something better and left me feeling -humiliated-," her hands wring the handkerchief tightly with anger. "That is one boundary I cannot let myself cross with him once more because when it happens again, not -if-... -when-, I don't think I could take it." She may just descend into avian madness prematurely if she ends up putting herself out there, allowing herself to be comfortable with him again only to be let down.
(1-2) Noah feels that the ball may drop at any second when Brennia begins to cry and there’s a pang in his heart as those teal eyes mirror that of a shimmering sea. Even though he wants to comfort her with a squeeze of the hand or a hug, he knows that he cannot. It’s never a good idea to get physical in any capacity with a patient as it tends to muddle the relationship with their doctor. All he can do is offer her words of encouragement and solace. It’s up to Brennia to pull herself from the murky depths of her mind and it’s up to him to guide her to that path. Noah tries to follow the story about Brennia dying a few years ago and having another live in her body. Is she referring to astral projection or possession? Were these the goblins that kept her as their prisoner? He has so many questions but that’s not truly what she’s telling him because it’s the emotions that lingered after those ordeals that garner his focus. It also seems that all this relationship talk is having the woman question her self worth and he stops scribbling notes so that he can better collect his thoughts. Nightmares and losing her musical abilities seem eon’s ago now that they are focusing on heavier topics and Noah is uncertain where to steer the rest of their session. It seems that along with PTSD the woman is suffering from severe depression.
(2-2) As Brennia concludes her story and reasons for not wanting to reignite the flame with her ex-boyfriend, Noah clears his throat and rests his elbows on his desk. He looks at the woman on the couch and knows that she would best benefit from inpatient treatment, rather than weekly meetings. However, he doesn’t have the heart to admit Brennia into an asylum or lock her up anywhere. She’s opening up and seeking help and he hopes to gently push her safely back from the ledge rather than do something drastic. “Do you have any desire to hurt yourself? Or… Is it more of a need to be with your loved ones that have passed away and live in a place where there isn’t any heartache or responsibilities?” Noah waits for her reply and continues, “I think that you’re suffering from depression. It’s a basic term for a very involved condition. There’s more to this than merely being upset often…Such as lack of sleep, extreme weight loss or gain, mood swings, fleeting feelings of not wanting to be around certain people or situations, suicidal ideology, et cetera. It could be due to a chemical imbalance or it could be as a result of trauma. You’ve had a rough past, from what I can tell, and it’s okay to have ‘off’ days and imagine that life would be simpler if you weren’t here. I think that everyone has those very ‘human’ thoughts from time to time. I think that you need to distance yourself from people, places, and situations that bring you stress. Even if it’s only temporarily, so that you can get back on your feet again. Try not to be alone so much. Engage in activities that brought you happiness before you felt this way. Give yourself little goals to achieve throughout the day.” Noah pauses, “You are a product of your past, Brennia. But you don’t have to be a prisoner of it. And you need to recognize that you are worthy of being loved, of marriage, of having a family. You just have to meet the right person and you have to believe that it’s possible. You may think that you’re protecting others by wearing that mask, but really you are hurting yourself. You’re missing out on great opportunities for building emotional connections each time you feed into that fear.” His gaze drops to his notes, “Do you think that the depression is what’s interfering with your ability to use your bardic powers?”
[1 of 2] Brennia takes comfort from physical touch and when she is close enough to someone it is her love language, but it is probably best her therapist only comforts from afar and she understands that. Her wings do what he cannot and wrap around herself for comfort. Of course Brennia will explain one day about the ink on her skin becoming the entity she needed to survive, but that is a long story for another day. When he asks if she desires to hurt herself, she locks her watery eyes with him and confidently answers, "not at all and I don't put myself in dangerous situations because of my surgeries, they have rendered me weak and I would only get other people I care about harmed or killed." There is a slight nod of agreement, "that is part of it, but the environment is completely different and hard to describe. I had no concerns and I had this comforting warm feeling all over like when you first sink into a hot bath after a hard day's work. My soul felt content for the first time and the things I saw," her words fail her because there is just no way to describe it, but maybe the blissful expression on her face says enough. Could it all have been a hallucination that the entity granted her out of pity? If she considered this, would it make her better or worse?
[2 of 2] She softly sniffles while dabbing her eyes again as he diagnoses her. It makes sense to her and he nods once out of acceptance. His instructions are clear and she simply takes it all in to formulate a plan. Now that courses are concluded at the college and no one signed up for summer courses for her class, maybe a trip will be ideal. A small shrug is given to his last question, "that is plausible. I did have my powers before the goblin farm, but once I made it out and had health problems is when I noticed it severely dwindling before being stifled completely. I am sure it doesn't help, though."
Noah’s gaze lingers on Brennia’s tear streaked face and he finds that he’s relieved when she says that she doesn’t have a desire to harm herself or behave in a reckless manner. So far, he hasn’t lost a patient to suicide, but there is always that fear of failure. She’s relying on him, as are all his patients, that he won’t trip up and misdiagnose them or give them the wrong course of treatment. The questions that he asks aren’t always kind or easy to answer but they are necessary so that he’s on the same level with his patients. Brennia Cadenza is one of his most honest patients and he feels secure in knowing that she wouldn’t lie about such a serious matter. “I think a vacation would be a good thing for you to take. Perhaps visit the beaches in Ryvale? Or maybe head up to Frostmaw and stay at a cozy resort? I think the more you surround yourself with the ones you love and the more you put yourself out there and try different things… That you will learn to love your life again. And once your depression eases, it’s possible that you will also feel better physically. And with your emotions and health in balance it’s likely that your bardic powers will return. I think that’s why you aren’t able to use them as your body and mind aren’t in harmony.” Noah doesn’t know much about magical powers and he knows even less about avians, but his gut tells him that the nightmares and feelings of not wanting to be alive all contribute to Brennia having lost her ‘mojo’ for music. “I want you to take a vacation. Even if it’s only for a weekend or a few days. Keep a diary and write down your emotions and anything you think that could be detrimental to our sessions.” The psychiatrist glances at his notes, “I also think it would be best if you take this trip either on your own or with friends. I think a few days apart from your partner or your ex will help to calm your nerves, too, as you are feeling anxious. This vacation should be about -you- and about getting better. Not about anyone else’s feelings.” His tone is a tad stern as he scribbles something on a piece of parchment and folds it in half. “I want to see you in two weeks as that should be enough time for you to plan a getaway and enjoy your trip. Every morning that you wake up I want you to read this scrap of paper. It’s a simple affirmation that everyone needs to remind themselves of daily.” Noah slides the parchment across his desk and smiles at Brennia as he closes up their session. Whenever the woman opens the paper she will see ‘You are enough!’ written in rather dainty script for a man.
Brennia nods in agreement, "I think you're right." She has been meaning to visit Alithrya to see how Queen Reginae is doing and her old body guard, Thedez, but she can also relax in the unique gardens there and research more flora for Vinabre Cosmetics. So, really, it is a win-win-win. "I think I will do that, yes." On top of all of those reasons, Reginae was the one to rescue her from that goblin farm and let her recover in Alithrya. "I'll probably plan a trip to Alithrya to catch up with friends," she nods as she feels a calm starting to come over her and the tears have stopped. It has been a while since she has let all of this out. She gets up to accept the paper from his desk before stowing it away safely in the hidden pouch between her wings and back. "Thank you again, Doctor Atwood. I will see you in a couple of weeks," she takes a moment to center herself and that warm smile comes over her that pokes dimples into her cheeks. It is a wonderfully believable fake smile and a marvel at how she seems like a completely different person with just a smile. "Have a wonderful day," she offers before leaving his office and saying a friendly goodbye to reception on her way out of the establishment.