RP:Things Left Unsaid

From HollowWiki

This is a Bard's Guild RP.


Summary: Khitti asks Alvina to meet her after business hours at the bakery so they can talk. Alvina welcomes Khitti into the Bard's Guild, Khitti tells Alvina about her mental health the past several months, and Alvina continues to struggle internally about whether or not she should tell someone about her part in Meri's newfound wolfiness.

The Ginger Snapped Bakery, Cenril

A letter would be sent to Alvina, written in the usual dark purple ink that Khitti’s used for some time. ‘I know things are kind of crazy right now due to the holidays, but I’ve a couple questions to ask you. The shop will be closing early the day before Yule, so come have coffee and cookies with me! I’ll try not to take up too much of your time so you can get home to your kids.’ The thing would be signed by the redhead and sent off via raven with the time that the shop would be closed. For Khitti, the day would be a bit more hectic than normal. The shop was packed, people getting their various breads and desserts for the Yule celebrations in their own homes. Once everyone was helped and ushered out, Khitti quickly locked the door and nearly collapsed against it, “Victoria! Albert! Leave now before stragglers show up and want more!” The couple, who were Khitti’s head cake decorator and head waitress respectively, would quickly gather their things and head out the back door. Most of the candles in the shop would be blown out, making the building actually look as if it were closed. Just as Khitti had said, there were certainly stragglers, but she did her best to ignore them. Instead, she started a pot of coffee and gathered a platter of cookies and mammoth meat sandwiches, just in case if the Silver Bard was hungry when she arrived.


Alvina received Khitti's missive when she arrived home from the market. There was plenty to do before the holiday but luckily not too much that she couldn't take the time to visit. She'd only been to the bakery once before, she met a waitress with a metal hand? Or at least armor, and she'd come to see Khitti but left before she could catch the bakery's owner. The Bard arrives a short time after Khitti's letter said she'd be closing - giving careful time for anyone who might have been waiting inside but the windows are dark and a few people hoping to catch the end of the rush were dispersing. Quietly, as if the bakery was instead a holy cathedral, Alvina enters. It's dark but not pitch - the ambiance is soothing by contrast of the manic clusters of people that still gathered in other shops and side streets. She says Khitti's name but it sounds so loud in the empty space. The scent of fresh coffee laced with fresh baked goods finds Alvina miraculously hungry. It's impossible to say no to good food.


Khitti blinked a few times and poked her head out from the kitchen to peer into the dining area. “Oh, hi,” she said with a grin before disappearing back into the kitchen briefly to gather the things she’d made. “Sorry about the darkness. Sometimes people just really don’t get what closing time means.” A tray of sandwiches and baked goodies, as well as the pot of coffee, two mugs, and cream and sugar, are set on a small table, one that’s pushed over to meet with one of a similar size, so that they can reach the food and drink easily without having to get up. Before saying anything further, a few small bits of holy fire were tossed to various nearby candles, lighting them as she sat down. “Okay. So, first…” Khitti said with a smirk as she poured Alvina a cup of coffee and slid it across the table to her, “How are you?”


Alvina catches sight of the familiar red head behind the counter and shoots her a small, familiar smile. “Hi,” she chirps back before Khitti vanishes to reappear in earnest with treats. To Khitti’s apology, Alvina will shake her head carefully. “It’s preferable, really.” A beat, then she gestures overhead. “The low light, I mean.” She falls in step behind Khitti like the shop owner was a renowned Sherpa guiding her through a maze of quicksand tables and venomous chairs. Sparks dance off to their individual candles and Alvina finds herself filled with awe at the magic this seemingly easy gesture adds to the room. To wield elemental magic. She takes her seat on one side of the table, curling her hands around the coffee mug with a grateful nod. “Thanks.” Steam rolls up, noting the beverage too hot to drink but Alvina’s comforted just by its existence in her hands. Like a warm cat curled in her arms. Khitti asks how she is and Alvina blinks. How is she? A bundle of nerves about biting a person? Scared out of her mind about a reporter publishing an expose on her husband? “I’m okay,” She decides to say, because it’s the most honest but easy reply. ‘Fine’ and ‘Okay’ are easy to breeze past. “How are –you-?” She asks in return before adding, “This bakery is beautiful. I’ve only been here once but it’s still dazzling.”


The bakery’s owner nodded and smiled at Alvina’s words of thanks, but red brows furrowed at the ‘I’m okay’. It had been nearly the same answer the time before last, when they’d met at the Frostmaw Fort, and Khitti commissioned the bow for Meri. “I’m better now that things in Venturil have been handled.” She paused briefly, looking around, “I got rid of the gingerbread house look awhile ago. I think I was a bit too… ambitious in the beginning. Changed it to make it a bit more professional and added in a second story apartment. It’s not the house I’d been dreaming of when I came back, but it does what it needs to do.” She eyed Alvina for a moment, then tended to her own coffee, when it became cool enough for her to drink--or as cool as she preferred it, rather. Maybe Alvina would open up a bit more once they actually talked for a little while? They hadn’t really gotten the chance to before. “So, the reason I wanted to talk--well, one of two reasons--is that I’ve been meaning to talk to -someone- about joining the Bard’s Guild. I’d meant to, way back when Alex was a professor there, but things turned sour the same day I found out, and it kind of put me off of the whole thing--if only because I really didn’t want to be around the guy.” Another sip of coffee’s taken, and then her attention settled on the other redhead, “Is there room there for someone like me?” Sure, she had that band of hers, but she still wasn’t entirely sure if that’s something they were looking for in that guild.


Alvina had yet to drink her coffee, though the mug remains warm against her palms. Palms; plural. It’s still strange, not having her prosthetic. Khitti admits she’s better now and she seems less guarded than she had in Frostmaw Towers. She laughs when she mentions the old aesthetic. “I liked it – “ she admits, because she had. “But I tend to like things that are a little over the top. That’s the bard in me, I guess.” She lifts her right hand to the back of her neck, transferring the heat and shivering from the temperature change. “Cenril has a lot of property opportunities?” She advises cautiously, she doesn’t want Khitti to think there’s anything wrong with living in above her business. It sounds appealing, honestly. “Hudson’s in the real estate business. I bet he could find something nearby if and when you’d like. He wouldn’t charge you any fees, obviously. Friends and family discount.” She grins, watching Khitti look into her coffee. She talks about Alex, who Alvina hadn’t really known, and it makes Alvina wonder what he’d done to upset Khitti enough that she wouldn’t want to be around him despite what the Guild offered. “I haven’t seen him for years…” She muses, wanting to ask but fearful of stirring up bad feelings. Khitti then asks about the guild and Alvina nearly (nearly) springs to her feet in surprise. She had a band? And still she inquired?! It was positively flattering. “Of course!” She exclaims, perhaps too loudly. Her hands abandon the coffee cup, without knocking it over, and reach for Khitti’s. “I loved watching your band play and I’d love to work on stuff with you and have your talents in the Guild. I’d be…delighted to have you.” There’s no question about it – Alvina didn’t consider Khitti anything but a proper fit.


Khitti hadn’t quite noticed Alvina’s lack of a prosthetic. But, when she did, she eyed it long enough to perhaps not come across as if she was staring, but enough to file it away in the back of her head to ask later on--after she found the proper way of asking, that is. ‘Hey! What the frak happened to your arm! Or lack thereof!’ didn’t seem to be quite the right way. Alvina started speaking again and Khitti blinked, clearing away that thought process for now, “The apartment’s fine, really. But, I’ll keep the offer in mind. And, Alex had been gone for a long time after the war with the frost giants. Back then, he was high and drunk off his ass all the time. I don’t think he had that professor job long before he took his leave from here, to be honest. He never could quite seem to adjust--especially when it came to being friends with an undead that didn’t want to kill him.” She rolled her eyes, sipped her coffee, then blinked once more at Alvina’s near-standing outburst. “Really?” Somehow, Khitti -really- hadn’t thought that she’d be welcome there, regardless of whether or not Alvina was running the show now. There was a bit of disbelief, but it ultimately shifted to a smile, “Great!”


Alvina’s still holding Khitti’s hand after she smiles after a moment of uncertainty. Hudson really could find her a place, if she wanted. Apartments have their own special feeling too though, Alvina remembers. Sometimes she wishes she could go back. Get a studio apartment and just…do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. What an enviable life she’d had, once. The more the bakery owner discloses about Alex, the more Alvina swears she can piece him together. “Saw him stumbling around Frostmaw once…” She admits before remembering herself and stealing back her hands. “Whoops,” She smiles, shifting around in her seat and flattening her skirt against the back of her legs. “I’m learning people are really… biased against others that aren’t exactly human.” Cue the giant sweat drop. “But really, after your last show, all the younger kids were positively gushing about how cool you guys were. If you came in, can you imagine the looks on their faces?” Kids have the best reactions. “Seriously, please do. We can get through the formalities of the minimal paperwork and I can give you a key to access everything. It’s been…quiet since Brennia left.” She chuckles nervously. “I’m not sure what to do with the guild honestly but I feel like having you there would help motivate me.” Alvina seems more relaxed than she had when they’d started. The strangeness of past time dissolved in hot coffee and conversation. Didn’t it always happen that way? Then, almost stoically, Alvina asks – “Do you ever miss being a vampire?”


Khitti had almost forgotten that Alvina still had her hand, despite the fact that she’d just looked at the other redhead’s newly reformed appendage. There was a bit of blinking, when Alvina finally pulled away, and then a shake of her head to clear her thoughts and return to the conversation at hand, “Of course I’ll join. I’m glad everyone enjoys the shows. After I came back, before the amnesia went away, being a singer is all I wanted to do. Heh, first thing I did was invite Brand to one of my shows after he found me working at Mrs. Mallard’s when she was still here. The fact that it even became a thing is still unbelievable sometimes.” Pause. “I’ll do my best to help you too. I can help teach others if the require it, whether it’s with singing or the violin. I taught in the Necromancer’s Guild, and now I’m teaching in my own as well.” She smiled somewhat, but then it soon faded after Alvina asked that last question. Crimson brows furrowed in thought--or maybe it was uncertainty, “I do, a lot of the time. I don’t miss being undead, but there were plenty of other aspects I do miss. I’m at a pretty severe disadvantage now it feels like, in the fighting and hunting departments. There’s no more heightened senses. No agility to help with running or shooting a bow or sneaking up on someone. I am incredibly grateful for what I have now, but… sometimes I feel more normal than most folk, despite the fact that most people I’m around -are not normal-, to an extent, whether it’s because of their magical capabilities or because they’re something other than human. I don’t feel like everyone else.”


Alvina’s overjoyed to hear that Khitti will join the ranks alongside her. The reminder of her amnesia sobers Alvina’s mood momentarily. She recalls going to Lionel in search of closure for their supposedly deceased friend and family member but he offered no information. He’d known and said nothing. She will just have to believe he had his own reasons. But that’s past, and the idea that Khitti invited Brand to one of her shows before remembering who he was and who they were was….pretty adorable. It stirs her out of the darker memories of Khitti’s disappearance and brings her back to the bakery where they are chatting. The shop owner mentions ‘her own’ and it’s Alvina’s turn to blink. “Your own…? Guild?” Were they truly both guild leaders now?! Gods, how time flies. Alvina’d been overjoyed to work in Frostmaw alone! Juggling hobbies and occupations and families. How did they do it? Alvina looks on as Khitti considers her question apologetically. It was a hard thing to ask but it must be a harder thing to answer. Her eyes widen when Khitti confirms she does – or she does miss a lot of beneficial upgrades the curse gave her. Alvina’d felt the same ways before she’d turned; too vulnerable in a fight because she knew no weapons nor had any physical strength to rely on. She could not grapple with wild animals or fend off insistent kidnappers. The final revelation creases Alvina’s forehead as she frowns. More normal. Partitioned off from other people. She chuckles thoughtfully in the back of her throat, lips turning into a smile while her eyes held the compassionate sorrow. “You aren’t like everyone else.” Her words are tender with affection. “You are your own person.” A beat “You carved yourself out of the life that wasn’t what you wanted. You did what should be impossible.” And she had, truly. Alvina wasn’t saying it to inflate Khitti’s ego. Not by a long shot.


“You wanted more passionately and violently and wholeheartedly than most people will in their entire lives.” And that made her different, in a better way; though Alvina knows it isn’t entirely what she’d meant. “It isn’t so bad.” Her smile is weakened by the low light and clingy shadows. “Being human…does make you feel soft and vulnerable but if you can kick death in the face as hard as you did before, I’ve no doubts you could do it again.” Where is this rousing speech coming from? It’s to reassure Khitti but also to soothe herself. Being a werewolf was reassuring in many ways but the occasional lack of control and flaring temper didn’t lend itself well to the bard. She wasn’t usually one to anger or be impulsive. Usually. The coffee cup is no longer steaming in her hands, though she does wrap both fleshed palms against the warm ceramic. She sips from the cup politely, imagining it to be the hot chocolate she could not bring herself to request, and each bitter ripple disappoints her anew. Maybe a baked good would help. She reaches cautiously over the tray to lifts an airy pastry from the stack. One bite and she’s sprinkled herself and the table with buttery snowflakes and it’s enough to illicit actual laughter. “Just in case I haven’t mentioned…I’m glad you came back.”


Khitti knew that Lionel had had his reasons, as did Brand and Meri, otherwise Alvina would’ve certainly been told, and Khitti would definitely tell her if she asked about it. But, it wasn’t something that really mattered anymore, at least to Khitti. She’d taken care of Brand and his lying ways by waking him up in the middle of the night, just after her memory had come back, and promptly threatened to kill him. You know, normal couple things. It’s totally not the reason why Brand’s not been seen in a long time (just kidding, she’d never kill Brand; he’s got to suffer with her). “Yeah, I uh… I run the Devout’s Guild now. It’s not really the most fitting name for it anymore, but… yeah.” She’d not elaborate on what she meant unless asked; it was a bit of a pain in the ass to explain the whole situation with her guild and she wasn’t quite sure if Alvina wanted to hear it anyway.


“Alvina… that whole journey… the one to get the cure, it wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine like it might sound like. Magic always comes with a price--usually just in the form of exhaustion after using so much, but… magic like that and making deals with gods… it’s not--” She paused, trying to figure out how to word this properly, “A lot of sacrifices had to be made. There was more than just writing a song and collecting mermaid scales and leviathan teeth.” Khitti felt uneasy, both hands hesitant about picking up her coffee. The caffeine was setting in and between that and thinking about what had happened a little over a year ago, it was making her stomach queasy. She managed a smile briefly at the other redhead’s confirmation of saying that she was glad Khitti was back. The coffee was ultimately pushed away, the smile now faded. “Do you, um, want anything different to eat or drink? I… don’t think this coffee is agreeing with me.” She’d get up, pausing to look at Alvina, awaiting any sort of addition to her own list of things to grab from the kitchen.


Alvina looks surprised when Khitti discloses her own guild affiliations. She’d never have guessed the Paladin’s guild. Was Khitti…religious? Was it wrong to think Paladin’s usually are? Alvina –really- wants to ask Khitti what she means about the guild – to find out more about how she’d come to be involved and what changes were made that required an alteration of titles – but she’s gone on to discuss her curse. Alvina gives her undivided attention to the emotion spilling out of Khitti’s expressions and words. ‘Magic comes with a price.’ It hits a soft spot in the bard’s heart but she doesn’t interrupt. The longer Khitti spoke, the more guilty Alvina felt. Why had she so boldly asked this? Was she going to confess that she’d bit Meri accidentally? Khitti’s demeanor is darker than before, thick with regret. “Khitti, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to…” But she’s standing and Alvina feels like a fish gasping for air. There’s no voice for her to apologize with. “H-hot chocolate.” She stammers, looking down at her mug but not letting it go. The murky liquid casts a dulled silhouette of her face but she’s afraid she’ll be tempted to cry if she looks at Khitti too long. She’ll get overly emotional and feed on Khitti’s inner demons (or lack thereof?) and drown herself unwittingly in it without being able to fully understand Khitti’s sacrifices or suffering. “Before you left…and we worked on the song…” Shit. Her eyes are stinging. Nope. Alvina shakes her head, refusing to continue the conversation path. She’ll think of something nicer for when Khitti comes back. They can talk about their children or the bakery or –anything else-.


Oh Khitti still had plenty of inner demons. She also had plenty of skeletons in her closet. Most of which Alvina wasn’t privy to. It’s not that she didn’t want to tell Alvina, but she just didn’t want to taint the mother of three’s life anymore than it might be already. Khitti went about fixing them both some hot chocolate, leaving Alvina for a short time to the mental gymnastics she was forcing on herself. She’d draw in a deep breath and let it all out, doing her best to calm herself before returning to the table. Alvina’s mug of hot chocolate was much like Khitti’s own; there was quite a pile of whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon and chocolate shavings on top. Khitti pushed her own mug to the side for the moment, letting it cool. The templar decided to be as open as possible right now. It was something that the two had seemed to let go of doing for a time and Alvina was one of a very small handful of people that Khitti allowed it to happen with. Of late, Khitti’d been speaking to Lanara about wearing masks, and for once, Khitti was about to take hers off entirely. “Ask what you want to ask. About anything,” Khitti said finally. Suddenly the lights in here felt just a bit too bright; perhaps Khitti felt like she was going to be interrogated. A couple of the candles she’d lit not long ago was snuffed out from afar, allowing Khitti to finally focus on Alvina without the total harshness of the light. “I mean it. Ask what you want.”


Alvina sits, shifting her legs uncomfortably under the table while Khitti tended to sweets in the kitchen. No one position satisfied the restlessness in her toes, knees, or fingertips. The uncertainty of her red hair, the flighty nature of her mind. She was an engine; revved and ready to run. But she can’t bring herself to act on the desire, can’t let herself absorb enough guilt to spur her off and away. To spare Khitti more difficult, selfish questions. Alvina’s so naïve still, sometimes. Khitti returns and Alvina focuses her direct attention on the mug she’s offered. After whispering her thanks with a transparent smile, emerald eyes will lift to find Khitti on the other side of the table. Cinnamon tickled her nose. It would have been delightful with lighter conversation. Maybe it still can be. Ask anything. Alvina wishes she could hesitate politely, but the gate drops and the questions out of her mouth before she can even arrange it properly. “Was it worth it? The-“ Alvina swallows and averts her gaze, leg anxiously shaking under the table. Khitti, was the consequence of biting Meri worth the connection with my husband and being able to better protect my child? Khitti, how can we decide whose suffering is more important than our own? Khitti, is Meri going to hate me when and if she finds out it’s all my fault? I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry. Please… These are the things she –wants- to say.


To throw out between them like grenades and wait for them to explode in her face. To watch the shrapnel of consequences embed themselves in her skin so deep that she becomes an automaton of vulnerable honesty. She had been, once. A long time ago. After a shaky breath, Alvina tries again, bottom lip trembling. It’s too much. She hadn’t even asked Hudson these things. Hudson didn’t want Meri to know, said that Meri could use the information to hurt them. That the best thing Alvina can do now was to give Meri back her autonomy by surrendering Alvina’s position of alpha in their ‘pack’. “ –the consequences. Was your nightmarish journey worth it, in the end…?” She swallows again and sniffs, eyes stinging in the prologue to tears. It’s too emotional. Alvina covers her face with her hands and shakes her crimson curls. “You don’t have to answer that, I don’t know what I was thinking…I’m so sorry…” she muffles into her dry palms. The wife of a mob boss should not show such weakness. She needs to get this under control. “I’m just so angry about not being able to control things. Being a mother is wonderful, my kids bring me so much joy, I know I don’t have to tell you. But outside of them, the rest of this world is utter chaos and I just…get tired. So tired of losing and hurting and not being able to do anything to stop it.” All this is said to her hands, the familiar scent of her skin a guard to keep Khitti from hearing the undercurrent of what the bard is saying. It’s gibberish.


“Yes.” Khitti paused only briefly before continuing, “And no.” There was another pause. She studied Alvina as she spoke into her hands, a slight frown adorning unpainted lips. If she knew the things that Alvina was thinking right now, the things that Hudson advised her to do, Khitti would not be happy. Khitti would certainly argue with Alvina. Why would Meri have any sort of reason to use that information against them? Against people who was supposed to be her friend to some extent, despite the fact that perhaps the friendship between the three werewolves weren’t quite where it used to be. Khitti didn’t know -everything- of the shady things Meri used to do, and probably still does on occasion, but she does know that Meri would’ve never done a thing to harm them. But now if she was told? There’d likely be different consequences.


This is what Khitti would’ve told Alvina, had the bard told her from the get-go about things. The truth may not always be wise in most cases, but this was not most cases. “It’s worth it, because I won’t have to continue on with my life after Brand dies. I won’t have to be forced to watch him get old without me. I won’t have to live through that misery and carry it with me long after he’s gone.” She stopped, observing the other woman again, letting her take in what’s been said so far. “You got a letter from me, after I died. So did Lionel, so did Meri, so did a couple others. Brand also got one. I told him a lot of things--that I hope his ship captain job panned out, that he’d find someone else to spend his life with, that things would get better for him after this. I even left him that ring you gave me, in case he -did- find someone. But most important of all, I told him it was a mistake. I never should’ve done it. Because he loved me as I had been. I -knew- that I was going to die. I should’ve known from the beginning, but like I’d told Brand, I’d been too blinded by fairy tales to see it. That’s why you’d been lied to. Brand wanted me to have a better life than I’d had up until that point. But you can -never- escape your past. Your present. Your future. It will find you, one way or the other, whether you try to ignore it or not. Sometimes I think that I shouldn’t have been turned into a vampire either, that I should’ve just died when the poison from the dark magic overtook me.” There was a bit of a nonchalant shrug and her cocoa was picked up finally and drank from. “I don’t know if that entirely answers your question, but it’s a difficult one to answer.”


Alvina listens eagerly, hungrily to Khitti’s words with the hope that they’ll serve as a balm to her addled mind . A lesson that she could learn from, the rest of Khitti’s story in the truth. It paints a different picture than Alvina’s selfish confusion about being left in the dark. She couldn’t know or imagine why the secret existed in the first place because she loved Khitti and wanted to protect her. Not in the same way Brand did, surely, but in her own way. She would never want anything to hurt Khitti, or Meri, but Alvina could be doing both things in her silence because she doesn’t have the luxury of choice. By her very nature, Alvina is a confessor. She –wants- to clear the air and deal with consequences of the now instead of letting the lies fester in her stomach until it’s too rotten to repair. Hudson did not share that sentiment. Vulnerability and honesty were weaknesses to him. While she hates his methods, his fear is real. Why can’t Alvina take it back…? Though she’s listening, Alvina also averts her eyes to the table and mugs. Her hands are clasped under the table, clenched together tightly. Her frown twitches when Khitti mentions the ring. Her mother’s ring. She’d almost forgotten. Alvina’s wedding felt like a lifetime ago. Another girl, another universe. She swallows hard. “I understand-“ why Brand had lied. If he could protect Khitti from her confusion or memories of the hell she’d gone through to remove her curse...Maybe she could be as happy as she deserved to be. But you can never escape your past. How bitter and true. She waits for Khitti to finish and lets an ellipse tick in the air between them. “I think about that sometimes. I ask myself if I’d rather forget things like…” her husband’s cheating, her own madness, the whirlwind of mistakes she’d made on the journey to this point. Just one of those things might give her back a piece she’d lost. A piece that would eagerly rebel Hudson’s Alpha orders for what was right and just and good.


Or was that the fairytale Alvina was blinded by? No, her fault was in thinking ‘true love’ could save her. That love didn’t take work. That relationships can survive on warmth alone. Her eyes lift to settle on Khitti drinking her hot chocolate; emerald backlit by grief and the most painful shade of love. Meri, Khitti…forgive me. “It did.” She says at long last with a short nod. “I’m sorry to bring it up but I’m beyond grateful that you’d share it with me.” Alvina’s question served to split her open past the ‘I’ve been fine’ or ‘Things are going well’ formalities of before. Her hands slack, finally, under the table and she summons a fragile smile. “In fairness, I’d like to offer you the same freedom to ask me…anything.” She swallows again, letting her hands rise to clutch her own mug like an anchor. “It’s been so long I couldn’t pinpoint all that’s happened since then and now.” Since Khitti left on her journey and they met on the beach months later. “Probably not as useful to ask me!” It wasn’t about a specific topic so there is no telling what might be interesting or of use to Khitti. But Alvina could try, to do this much at least. Love makes us do stupid, reckless things. This could be her reckless thing.


Khitti shrugged, “There’s more than that, of course. There’s always more, it seems like. I don’t think I’d ever have enough time in the world to explain all the things that’s happened to me up to now. Lanara’s been prying things out of me little by little lately, but sometimes the pieces don’t make sense without the whole. And it’s like that song from a long time ago… ‘There’s Always Something There To Remind Me’. Dominic is a reminder. Brand is a reminder. My lack of dark magic and new holy abilities are a reminder. -You’re- a reminder. Sometimes I can put it aside and focus on now, other days… not so much.” Her mug was set back down on the table in front of her, a stray index finger moving around in what was left of the whipped cream, cinnamon, and chocolate shavings. “I’m not even sure what to ask you, honestly. You seem to have a spotless life compared to mine, even if there’s been a few bumps and bruises along the way since I’ve met you.” She meant, of course, the hesitation Alvina had had when it came to marrying Hudson. Khitti’d been surprised, in the end, that the wedding even took place. “Even this past year, the comparison between my life and yours seems like night and day. When Dominic was born, things happened in such a way that I almost wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you. After that, I started up the Paladin’s Guild and it seemed fine for a little while, until everyone just left to go about their own way again, despite promising to help. The weight of Venturil was put on my shoulders and I almost collapsed underneath of it. Things were just inches away from disaster, until Brand, Meri, and Lionel found me.”


Khitti could almost taste the alcohol she’d been imbibing in that long year. The thought of the strong, smooth whiskey from the distillery in Sage Forest made Khitti’s mouth go dry. She’d been so close to giving in to that addiction, leaving everyone behind. “But you… You’ve got your kids, three of them now… And you get to see them grow up so fast, while things on my end just go so slowly.” Another long drink of hot chocolate was taken, the rest of the cream sipped away. “I guess, all I can ask is, what’s your secret? How can I possibly juggle all the things I want to do, the people I want to help, and still manage to have a happy family? That’s not to say that we’re not at all, but… It just seems like, when work gets to be too much--whether it’s with any of the guilds I’m a part of or lead or the bakery or performing with the band or even just trying to keep evil from killing the people I care about--there’s always a bit of a draught, family-wise. Hell, not just with family, but with everyone. I was so young when my family died, I didn’t exactly get to take notes on things to be able to use now.”


Alvina smirks when Khitti mentions there’s always more and how Lanara’s been trying to pull it out of her. “Lanara’s good at that.” She agrees with tame fondness. “Taylara is just as sweet, if you ever get the chance.” Alvina sighs. “They are both very easy to talk to.” She used to feel that she was easy to talk to. Plenty of people did – strangers become confidantes, saw familiarity in her where none should be. A safeness or earnestness, a lack of judgement? Maybe that’s just a delusion and she’d just pressed too hard with her curiosity and want to make things better. To see a stranger looking so lost or alone…her heart bled with empathy, even if they didn’t feel alone. In that same vein, why does Alvina feel guilty for being a reminder? It doesn’t have anything to do with her, really. It isn’t a fault that she can change. When Khitti mentions Alvina’s life to be spotless, her smirk wilts and she sighs heavily. On one hand, her life was supposed to look spotless. That’s how mobs and their respected families remained safe. On the other, she feels like a character around people she holds very dear to her. “I’m nowhere near spotless.” She prays it doesn’t sound like she’s trying to be humble. She wants to ask about Dominic but can imagine the unpleasantness of childbirth and its consequences. Or consequences separate but surrounding . “It’s usually the people who swear they’ll never leave us…that do. Brennia left and left the bard’s guild in my hands and I didn’t…want to do it.” Brennia isn’t the only person Alvina’s ever lost but perhaps the most recent and equitable to her companion’s guild woes.


The more Khitti discloses the worse Alvina feels. She throws her accident with Meri quietly on the pile of bad things. Bad things that have happened and bad things to come. It’s bad, all the way down. “Thank the gods they found you…” Alvina is quiet then. It’s Khitti who breaks the silence with her continuation of how Alvina’s life looks from the outside. She licks her lips and swallows. Her throat feels –so dry- despite the delicious scent of melting whipped cream and comforting chocolate. “There’s no secret.” She admits, shamefully turning her cheek into her knuckles. “You can’t juggle everything and help everyone and work a brilliant job and have a happy life. You just…can’t.” A beat. “I don’t know how you manage ALL the things you do without going insane.” Her other hand, still curled around the mug in front of her, taps it’s index finger quietly against the porcelain. “Something always has to give. I have so much help. I could never do it alone. Even just Hudson and I couldn’t do it alone.” Hudson paid for help. Help with everything – cleaning, shopping, child care. There’s no way she could manage any number of jobs without this dirty laundry funding her sanity. “Even still, I can’t always protect the people I love. With all my good intentions, I’ve botched more than a few encounters.” Badly, she adds silently.


“I get overwhelmed, and I withdraw into myself and want to see no one. Do nothing. I’ll argue with anyone who gives me the smallest opportunity and I’ll push everything away. Even Hudson.” She sighs rubbing her knuckles against her cheek bone. They’d done their share of damage to each other but… “Luna almost died when she was born.” She blurts out, seemingly at random. A chill eats at her toes. “She got twisted up and…her little face was so purple and I…” Her voice is pinched with emotion. It takes her a second to resume. “The only secret is to put what’s most important first. Be willing to let everything else go for what means the most to you. There will, undoubtedly, be consequences and struggles. Trying to do too much at once will burn you out. And if it causes distance to form between you and other people, people you care for deeply, pray for their patience and understanding. If they care enough about you, and you care enough about them, there’s no reason most damage can’t be mended.” Gods, she prays she’s right. “I think you’re an excellent example of family, Khitti. Before Dominic or the song or any of that and my opinion’s never changed. It’s your heart. It’s in the right place and that’s more than could be said about half the population.” Why does she have to keep pausing?


“When we met, I still remember what you said to me. About secrets and about people that feel like home. I know the context was different but…you make this bakery feel like a home. When you perform with your band, the audience feels connected to you. The words feel like their own and then your voice feels like home. Home is just any place we don’t feel alone. Where we feel seen, heard, and valued for who we are without the heavy judgement of mistakes building walls between anyone. Home is where you’re safe to be whatever you need to be. You told me that.” She repeats, with a grateful smile. “No one has a spotless life.” The cooled spots of Meri’s blood that stained her clavicles and shoulders. Her mouth. The coppery reminder of what she’d taken and could never give back. Finally, she lifts her hot chocolate to her mouth, hoping to wash away that scarring taste and all the bitterness she’d filled herself up with to remember all the things past. “That’s the secret Khitti. No one has a spotless life.”


Khitti nodded. “Oh, I’ve met Talyara too. They both decided to join my guild,” she said with a chuckle. “I have to admit, I didn’t quite expect things to go my way there. And by that I mean, I didn’t think I’d get anyone other than paladins and priests to join the guild. -I’m- not even a paladin, but that doesn’t really mean anything.” She shrugged, letting Alvina continue on for a bit, a frown forming and growing over time. “I’ve been left with many a empty guilds too. More or less anyway. The Warrior’s Guild died down after the issues with the saurians and the insects. The Necromancer’s Guilld was hell in a handbasket because Larewen cared more about gaining the Vailkrin throne than anything or anyone else. Some of the people that helped me reform the Paladin’s Guild left. Granted, I know they have other duties, but…” There was another shrug, that frown of hers still present. “I honestly wanted to give up for a long while. After Dominic was born, and after things started getting really bad in Venturil, I started drinking. I ended up doing the exact same thing I’d always yelled at Brand about, that had worried me. But worse, I kept it from him. From Lionel too. Meri knew some of it, but a lot of the time, it was more just to keep my head afloat than because I actually wanted to talk to her about it and put that burden on her.”


Pale fingers tightened around her mug as she stared at the dark drink within, crimson brows knitting, “Back when I commissioned that bow from you, for Meri, I wasn’t in a good place. I got really good at wearing that mask, but I… didn’t want to be here anymore. I still occasionally have those thoughts, but it’s not as bad as it was before. Not even close. Brand suggested a long time ago, after the Shadow Plane stuff, that maybe I find some sort of doctor to talk to--or maybe even a bard that’s really good at therapy--but everything’s so complicated. I wouldn’t know where to start. Where to end. Because it’s never-ending.” Khitti hadn’t looked at Alvina for some time; she couldn’t really look her in the eye at all as she said these things. “I try so hard to make these places feel like home for people, because I know what it’s like to not have one. Brand didn’t either--even less so after Catal burned. But it never feels like it’s good enough. I hardly get to have a break from keeping that going--and even if I did have a good long vacation from things, I’m not even sure what I’d do with it. I’d end up getting too wrapped up in my own head. And if I don’t keep going, then I’m certain all hope will be lost. Brand told me a long time ago, back when things looked bleak, when we were stuck in Frostmaw and I was still a vampire, that ‘s’not gonna get any better sittin’ around feelin’ sorry for yourself. You’ve gotta move faster’n it. You gotta run til it goes away. It catches up, you run again.’” Khitti did her best to imitate Brand’s accent and way of speaking. It drew a faint smile out of her, but only briefly. “I’m so tired of running though… I’ve been running all this time.”


Alvina can’t begin to imagine the stress of working with and for all those guilds. She can barely wrap her mind around one. When Khitti says she wanted to give up, Alvina frowns but doesn’t interrupt her. Addiction. Depression. Helplessness. Withdrawing from friends and family. Alvina can’t pull her eyes away from Khitti while she talks. She’d known something was up. Alvina’d sensed it in Khitti’s distant demeanor in the Towers. There was no way she could have known the extent to which it spread through Khitti’s life. Alvina covers her own mouth with her hand in disbelief. Running. It triggers something. “You have to stop running.” Again, just like the last time she’d said this, the words come with no warning or hesitation. Right or wrong, it’s what she whole heartedly believes. “You’ve been pushing yourself nonstop for a very long time.” Since Alvina’s met her anyway. It seems like just yesterday that she’d forged the bow that would be titled ‘Diamond Dust’. Black ice. So sturdy and frigid, yet even she could morph it with patience. “Khitti…” Alvina whispers her name, hoping to catch her eyes. “That isn’t true.” It comes after her Brand impression. She even scoffs. “No one can keep running forever. It wears you down in little ways that build until they weigh you down and snuff you right out.” A candle lost to a hurricane. She didn’t want to dwell on Khitti’s trip to the Shadow plane but… “You didn’t run. You got those masks, you did a thousand tasks, you summoned all the courage and love and hope into one giant leap and you took it. You jumped. Not to run away but to move forward. To a place where you didn’t have to run anymore.” At least, that’s how Alvina had interrupted it. That all Khitti was fighting for in that battle was peace. Mind, body, soul? Only Khitti knew for sure though. “Don’t run.” She whispers again, a secret that slipped away without her permission.


Alvina’s hand reaches across the table again to touch Khitti’s. The physical connection is important. “Don’t run and don’t try to do everything or anything alone. You have people who love you, who want to help you, who you’ve help in their hour of need. People aren’t meant to carry the weight of the world alone. No one is. Talk to them. Talk to me.” Alvina exhales slowly. “Talk to a doctor.” She felt herself tip toe dangerously close to a truth few people knew about her. Dangerously close. “I know, someone.” She chews on the thumbnail of her empty hand. “I…stopped doing everything. Eating, getting out of a bed. Being awake was such a chore. I couldn’t do any of it. All I did was sleep. I wouldn’t shower or change my clothes for days. Wouldn’t leave the house. Couldn’t. They were too hard.” A beat. No need to say more. It guts her to even remember this much. “Hudson insisted I talk to someone. They’d send someone to the house first, to talk to me. So I wouldn’t feel guilty telling them my thoughts or feelings because whoever came would be a complete stranger. How could I bog down a stranger? A detached individual with no connection to my life other than what I tell them? And it helped. She talked to me and helped pull me back out. I was drowning because I refused to stop and patch up the ship. I thought paddling faster would help but I just took on more water. I forced more water in…by trying to run.” Running. Alvina was someone who had also spent a long time running. “The first thing you have to do, scary and mind boggling backwards as it sounds, is to stop running.”


“Well… to be fair to Brand, he did say that ages ago, back when we were still getting close, and weren’t entirely officially a couple,” Khitti said, mustering a faint smirk. “Sometimes I still don’t understand that whole “opposites attract” thing, cause… that’s certainly not the case with him and I.” The smirk soon faded as things shifted back to the topic at hand. The entire time Alvina had spoken to Khitti, and told her of her own troubles, Khitti hadn’t looked at her. Guilt and shame had been written all over her features and they slowly crept back once again. “I did… some of that. But, I also fell back into my old routines of getting into fights. Some of the people in Venturil didn’t care for me for awhile, and while it turned out they were all being controlled by something else, they picked fights with me. I let them beat the hell out of me, because I felt like I deserved it. Then I’d either stay at the inn there, or at my guild hall, until the bruises started to fade, and broken ribs had been mended just enough with magic that I could manage things.”


The templar shrugged, finally adjusting her line of sight to focus on Alvina, “When I stop running, I start thinking, and I’m exhausted from that too. How can I focus on helping people if I’m worrying about myself?” She knew, of course, as soon as those words left her mouth that she’d likely be told that she can’t help anyone else unless she helped herself first. “And it’s not like I’m -entirely- trying to do everything myself at home. I mean, with at much as I was gone, and with the fact that Brand was just as busy, with his captaining duties, it’s a wonder Dominic even knows who we are.” The shame was even more evident now, “His ship’s got nearly a hundred or so people on it and almost all of them have kids of their own, of varying ages, so it’s not like it was difficult finding someone to take care of him, but now that I’m home more… I’m starting to wonder how much I really screwed up his first year of being here. I’ve seen enough things to know what would happen if he ended up as screwed up as his parents are and I’m starting to wonder if it’s just fate anyway.” Khitti didn’t elaborate on just what she meant by that; anytime Khitti ever told anyone about those dreams and visions her and Brand had shared, they always gave her a look like she was crazy (well, -crazier-).


Alvina smiled. She remembered Khitti's confession still. The saying that opposites attract rang true for her marriage but "I think that's just something people say to explain mismatch couples." Khitti goes on to explain Venturil and something controlling the people there. Her brow furrows with concern. All the things she's saying are consistent and heart rending. It's a reflex to say the words. "You have to worry about yourself first." The red head continues to explain her concerns about her son knowing his parents. Alvina didn't understand why she mentioned fate, other than the fear that the past will repeat itself indefinitely. She can't image the things Khitti doesn't say. "While children are extremely perceptive, the first year or so is just instinct. Babies are wired to always recognize their mothers. It's crazy but also comforting." After that, it's really just who they are exposed to, unfortunately. Alvina didn't say that though. "He knows you and knows you love him. And ships are families, so anyone who helps will just be thought of as family, right?" One giant family and no family is ever perfect. "No matter how long you stay away, he'll always know you. And I think he'll be just fine if you take care of yourself and love him unconditionally. I don't think he needs more then that." Everyone's idea of love is different but Alvina feels Khitti can fill in the blank for her particular brand of affection. Alvina wasn't sure what that was anymore and it's a hard realization. The Bard clears her throat and sips her hot chocolate thoughtfully. It's just the right temperature now.


"That's what I hope, anyway!" Another smile, though half hearted, tugs at her lips. As for thinking when she stopped running, well, it was fighting those thoughts and demons that let you stop running. Neither option was perfect or easy. It isn't even easy to tell which is better, Alvina just has the opinion that confrontation is the best method. That clearing the air is therapeutic. She really, really wants to tell Khitti about Meri... But it's too late now. She can't tell her today. Khitti has so much she's dealing with, Alvina can hold the guilt a little longer. Probably. "I'm sorry things have been so crazy, Khitti. I had no idea."


Khitti shrugged and finished off her cocoa, “A lot of it isn’t as bad as it might as it might seem, on their own. But, together it just creates this big monster. I’m better at fighting actual monsters than I am with dealing with all of these things together.” She managed a faint smile, and shook her head, “But, regardless of all that, that’s not why I asked you here anyway. Heh, this wasn’t exactly something I wanted to dump on you. There had been something else I was going to ask you, but I can’t remember what it is now.” There was another shrug and a pause, olive-green eyes shifting towards the window, “It’s getting late. If I remember, I’ll send a raven to you later on. I’m sure it wasn’t anything too important.” That other thing she couldn’t remember, of course, was incredibly important: it just so happened to be on the topic of Meri, her wolfiness, and that kid of hers that was soon to show up. Thankfully for Alvina, now wouldn’t be the time that she’d be forced to spill the beans on her own werewolf turn. “You should go home. I’ve still got a little bit to do here before I lock up entirely.”


Alvina watches Khitti with bright eyes, trying to force a smile to gloss over the turmoil lurking beneath the surface for both of them. It’s the role she prefers more than all others; the unflappable, optimistic support. Maybe role was the wrong word. She legitimately enjoyed being a person others felt comfortable talking and confiding in. She genuinely wanted to help, earnestly cared. The smile was a mask then. Encouragement. “You know I’m always around to have difficult conversations.” She knew what it was like to feel overwhelmed, afraid to bend anyone’s ear for fear they wouldn’t understand or worse; that they’d pity her. Alvina looks down at their cups and nods in agreement. “It is getting late.” A beat. “Please do - we’re practically neighbors now.” She’ll tell Khitti next time, about Meri. They can discuss what the red head forgot tonight and take another hard swing at life together. For now though… “Thank you, for the sweets.” The bard moves to stand, brushing wrinkles out of her skirt before turning to face Khitti for a brief, affectionate embrace. “Don’t work too hard.” And then “Either way, send a raven soon and we’ll head to the guild together. I’ll give you a proper tour.” With a little wave and a gentle, real smile for goodbye Alvina departs for home with more questions than answers and a growing concern for Khitti that rivals her guilty heartbreak over Meri.