RP:The Benefit Of The Doubt

Part of the Through A Glass, Darkly Arc

Summary: Alvina and Hudson keep their kids home from school to explain the accusations of Hudson and Candice in the paper. Two of his children believe he'd never 'kiss' anyone but their mother, but Harper tears into him for being a liar. Not about Candice, but about rumors she'd heard at school about him being a bad guy. Harper and Hudson struggle against each other, her words rending his heart. He wants to get to the bottom of why he'd slept with Candice. Alvina hates the idea, seeing no good coming from it, but relents. It sounds like he needs to find answers for why he's done the things he's done.

The Landon Estate

They keep everyone home from school the next day. Hudson leads the girls and Bryce through the 'talk' about how their family is being targeted with malicious lies. There hadn't been a negotiation between himself and Alvina as to who would do it, he just does it. It's the least he can do, making her do the lion's share of the work in lying to their children felt like an unnecessary slap in the face. She sits there next to him, nodding patiently and gravely, while the children stay unnaturally silent, until finally it's their turn to speak and Bryce comments, with conviction, "Daddy would never kiss anyone but mommy."

"I know," agrees Hudson, quietly, reaching for Alvina's hand and thinking: please let me.

Luna and Harper are both looking at her for reassurance. They are nearly nine in human years. Whatever Luna sees in Alvina seems to soften her, because she asks, in her careful manner, whether they can have the papers print the truth: that the story about Daddy 'kissing' (...) Candice Snow is a lie.

"Yes, we put out a statement," Hudson tackles that immediately. "And also people will forget all about it very quickly, but we just didn't want you to have to deal with it at school today."

At that, Luna looks less certain, and glances at her sister, whose face has turned to stone. "People already say things about you at school, Daddy," says Harper, appointed spokesperson on this topic. She crosses her arms, her face looking pinched.

"What do they say--"

Hudson starts asking in a low voice, but she cuts him off: "That you're a criminal. I know it's just LIES. Everything bad is just LIES."

"What's a crim-in-al?" asks Bryce.

"A bad man who hurts people," says Luna, looking nervous. "May I be excused?"

"No," says Hudson, addressing her and her sister: "I'm sorry, that's ridiculous."

"Bobby said his cousin's arm got broken because of YOU," Harper's tone is one of accusation.

"Daddy wouldn't do that," says Bryce, suddenly jumping to his father's defense.

"I don't know who Bobby, or his cousin, are," says Hudson, levelly, addressing Harper. He can feel his face heating. "But that's obviously not true, Harper."

"I told you," hisses Luna, raising her voice to whine, "May I please be excused?"

"Go to your room."

"I didn't DO anything--"

"Both of you, go to your room."

"Fine," declares Harper, noisily getting up from her seat. Luna follows.

He knows he's getting a certain look from Alvina, who likely doesn't agree with this course of action and knows it's just him losing control. For her part, Harper lingers before following her sister down the hall. "I hate you," she says with surprise vehemence to Hudson, before sprinting down the hall and leaving himself and Alvina in stunned silence. Bryce starts to cry.

Alvina watches the scene with her children unfold as if she’s a separate third party. She stiffens and squeezes Hudson’s hand at Bryce’s declaration. He would only kiss her. The girls look up at her and Alvina gives them a calm, but tired, smile. She dips her head, encouraging them to ask questions and voice their feelings about the issue. If there’s one thing they’ve done right with their children it’s having discussions like this. Alvina just had to hope it didn’t inspire a victim syndrome in any of them since their family had been ‘targeted’ more than once. Maybe they’ll just grow up to think it’s because they have money, which is what Alvina’d prefer. They are in high social standing so a lot of eyes are on their every move. She’s moved when Luna asks if they can fight the ‘lie’ about Candice. Luna was cut from Alvina’s cloth, most definitely. The mood fades quickly in the wake of Harper’s declaration. Alvina chokes, watching Hudson handle the banter by sending the girls to their room. Marge had Meadow outside while this took place. The last thing they needed was another excitable party. Alvina moves in to scoop Bryce up when he cries but her face is still bright with shock. Hudson looks just as stunned and Alvina can’t tell if he’s going to collapse or charge down the hall after her. For the moment, he’s done neither. She steps back beside him, grabbing one of his hands and giving it a light squeeze.

“She didn’t mean it…” Alvina whispers. Harper and Hudson had always been thick as thieves. The gymnastics classes, the baseball talk, secretly making fun of Luna’s ‘dramatic speeches’. Of all their children, Harper was the closest to him, making this sting that much more. “Babe…?” She tries again before she can hear Luna burst into tears from behind the closed door of their bedroom.

“Oh gods,” Alvina sighs, kissing the side of Bryce’s face. “I’m gonna grab Luna, go talk to Harper.” Then she lets go of his hand and collects Luna with little more than a nudge into the hallway. “Harper...” She pleads with a frown; a look that tells her to consider her actions very carefully. A growing topic in their house had been dealing with their emotions BECAUSE they were wolves and people that didn’t understand would be easily frightened (because racism). Alvina scoots Luna and Bryce off to the back porch to join Meadow and Marge. Hudson and Harper have the house to themselves for whatever conflict resolution occurs.

Hudson IS stunned. At this point he can more or less patiently tolerate all manner of irritating child behavior, actually it's good practice for business and his role as head of a criminal cartel. But he hadn't expected this verbal goring from Harper, she's his girl, his pea in a pod, his little monkey .. she's not even nine, how is she such a savage?!

He stays unmoving at the table. Alvina isn't sticking around to console him, not really. She's cleaning up after his mess. His skin is itching with the wolf's unease, a snarling feeling of the need to quell any and all insurrection. Wolves weren't like people, they could be rough on their young. His ears are ringing.

Had he ever told his mother he hated her? Surely he had. Surely he hadn't meant it. Surely he'd said it just to wound her. One particular argument over the great secret of who his father is floats to the surface of his memories. He remembers her crumpled face and the feeling of jagged satisfaction tearing through his child's frame: got 'em. Now that he's on the other end of this interaction, he has a new appreciation for just how direct of a hit to the kidneys those words are.

Alvina is arranging a meeting between himself and Harper, and he couldn't want this any less, to speak to his bratty daughter right now. She has a defiant look to her face and stands a few paces away from the table, not approaching.

"Harper, do you have anything you want to say to me?" he asks her.

"No," she says, crossing her arms.

"Why do you hate me?"

"Because you're a liar," she says.

"I'm not a liar." Harper stiffens in response to this, visibly clenching her mouth shut. He continues, finding the last scrap of patience inside of him and speaking very deliberately, "I love you very much. And I'd never say I hated you, because I never could hate you."

Strange how easy the words come to him. Parenting changes you. Harper, however, only grows more closed in her body language. "I want. To go back to my room," she sneers.

The words feel like tiny knives cutting into his back. Hudson's expression grows hard too now, and his composure snaps. He gets to his feet to address her. "You want to act like a brat because you think you know how the world works? You have a nice life because of me and your mom. And right now, you need to show us some respect, OK."

Harper, having never seen her father like this, only emits a squeak of protest.

"You're not apologizing? Then fine, go to your room, you're grounded. No gymnastics, no theatre on Friday with your friends," says Hudson.

"Fine, I hate you!" screams Harper again. He doesn't have to point down the hall: she stomps in that direction. He sinks into his chair, tenting his hand over his eyes, which he squeezes shut. So much for an easy peace.

Alvina settles Luna and Bryce with Marge, Meadow is...being herself and needs little to no supervision. She turns around to watch Hudson and Harper through the glass. Both their bodies are rigid and growing more wild. The wolf’s connection pricks with unease. Luna looks up at her mother with red faced concern; she must feel it too. Marge tries to distract Bryce, who insists on being fine one second and screaming the next. “Luna,” Alvina says softly, “Please help Marge with your brother.” Luna looks past Alvina back into the kitchen where Harper is stomping off towards the bedroom. Alvina stoops down and brushes hair out of her daughter’s face. “It’ll be okay.” She promises, knowing it would have to be sooner or later. Then she slips back inside to the slamming of Harper’s bedroom door and a melted Hudson at the kitchen table. The air is electrified. “She didn’t mean it…” Alvina starts, sliding into a chair beside him in slow, easy movements. Like he’s a wild animal she doesn’t want to startle. She wonders, briefly, if he’s crying.

Alvina strokes Hudson’s shoulder softly but he doesn’t look in the mood for physical comfort. Their children had never truly rebelled against them before. She didn’t know how to handle it either. Her only saving grace as a parent was her patience (though it wore thin since Little Miss’s involvement and during pregnancy). “Baby…” She sighs, trying to get him out from under his hands. Before she knows it, he’s on his feet and gesticulating around accusations about how Harper is ungrateful. “We know you work hard -” but she’s cut off. “Baby please -” But he’s off on a rant and she can’t stop him. Alvina looks at the patio, sees Luna’s little eyes looking back at her, and stands to encourage Hudson down the hallway to their bedroom. Where no one would hear. “Hey, come on.”

Hudson isn't crying, he just has allergies. (Ok, maybe a little. His eyes are wet, that's all.) No surprise given that she'd probably witnessed all of it from outside, Alvina is here now and touching him and saying the obvious thing: Harper didn't mean it. No, she hadn't, she'd merely meant to hurt him. And she has. He wishes this utterly predictable child behavior didn't feel like a thousand cuts, but it does. The wolf prowls uneasily underneath his skin, yearning for another confrontation, one that restores the order of things, but Hudson the man is in the driver's seat and all he can think is that even if Harper apologizes to keep to the peace today, his little girl thinks he's a monster. This will only get worse, this little fissure will be the fault line that breaks his heart.

Why couldn't she be like Luna, who plainly heard the same evidence but didn't care to look too deeply. Or Bryce, who's too young to understand but who won't even entertain the possibility of any of it being true.

So what if those things she said are true .. why can't he have the benefit of the doubt?

Alvina's touching him is too much to bear right now. He doesn't need consoling (he does need consoling). He pushes his hair out and gets to his feet. "Stop it," he tells her, a little shortly. "I'm fine," his eyes are only slightly damp. "I'm fine," he repeats. "Harper's just being an ungrateful brat, I grounded her. She needs to understand that everyone here is on one team--" Alvina is trying to interrupt him, perhaps he's talking too loudly, perhaps he's raised his voice and shouting, even. "--and she needs to learn to respect her parents. It's fine." Alvina is gesturing at the hallway, evidently wanting to contain him elsewhere because he's not seeming as 'fine' as he claims. He releases a long exhale. "Sorry," he apologizes for shouting, and, now aware that everyone outside is staring at them, he follows her. His mind ricochets between rage and pain, replays the conversation with Harper, the way her face had twisted in anger, adult anger, toward him, her dad, person who loves her the most in the whole world ... By the time he and Alvina get to the bedroom, he feels winded anew, and leans against the door after he's shut it. His gaze catches Alvina's again. "I'm sorry, I know," he means about losing his cool.

Alvina gives Luna a look and the youngest twin turns away from the glass. Hudson’d been short with her, moved away, fine. She didn’t take it personally. Being the mother meant the good fortune of not being on the receiving end of those remarks yet. Also, Hudson was in charge of the discipline so she fit in a nice niche of being the ‘good guy’ more often than not. None of their children had screamed like that at her and while Hudson flounders in dismay, proclaiming loudly how ‘fine’ he was, her heart breaks for him. For all the times she fought him the same way Harper is now. Telling him that his job was wrong, immoral, unacceptable. That his lies were like quicksand; deadly and all consuming. For all of their daughter’s differences, this spunk was Alvina’s. So how would Alvina go about rationalizing her father’s position to Harper? Just don’t think about it too much baby girl? When you think about it, he’s really the good guy? He’s protecting all the people in Cenril by having his guys break people’s arms? Her mind flashes back to what Ethan’d said about protection money and her stomach turns.

When she gets Hudson past the kids and into the room, she releases a sigh she didn’t know she’d been holding and looks up at him with mixed emotions. Alvina’s embarrassed to admit she -should- feel the same way Harper does but...she doesn’t. It’s so easy to turn a blind eye to the things you don’t want to see. Don’t have to see. The things that make you ‘not fine’. He apologizes but the air still feels charged. She sighs again, unable to shake the tension in her chest. It’s difficult for her, in this moment, to find limitless patience for his frustration. They were, after all, lying to their kids to cover up something Hudson had done. It makes it more difficult to soothe him but she’s trying. “Come sit down.” She tells him, patting the bed beside her and watching him with tired eyes. “They can’t hear you in here.” She offers to his apology. He’d swatted her away so for now, she lets him exist in a bubble outside her touch. He’d lean into her when he was ready, or he wouldn’t, and they’d be in this situation again a few months from now. Alvina frowned. That wasn’t fair. Their relationship had never been stronger….it continues to beg the question of -why- he’d ‘kissed’ Candice.

Hudson can read Alvina's restraint on her expression. She had laid into him like Harper had, more than once, and he appreciates Alvina's forbearance now. She doesn't need to dunk on him, to remind him that they'd have to cross this bridge one day. He numbly ambles forward, sinking onto their bed next to her. They sit there in silence for a moment, during which he wonders if a part of her quietly appreciates the whipping he'd gotten at the hands of Harper of all people. His wife could only drag him so many times before things frayed too much, escalated to a deeply personal and foundation-shaking argument between them, but Harper, his favorite daughter, she could really stick the proverbial knife in and he'd still be desperate for her to forgive him. Being a parent is the most messed up thing.

Alvina is looking at him like he's a live wire, and he heaves a sigh, draping an arm around her at long last. A second into this and he hugs her closer, wrapping both arms around her to crush her against him, more for him than her. He frowns into her hair, swallowing the words he'd like to say: that it hurts unbearably that his daughter believes he did the things he actually did. To speak them aloud would be to no doubt break the spell that allows Alvina to comfort him right now. Because why should it take Harper withdrawing her love for him to know that he lives his life hurting other people. He shuts his eyes to slow the tearing, and then after a moment of it not really improving, he wipes them with his hand and loosens his hold on Alvina to let her pull back and look at him. He gives her a rueful smile that says what he won't: he's not that fine after all. He tries to focus on something else, apart from Harper, his little monkey, his precious girl .. slowly hardening her heart against him. With limited effect, because he heaves a sigh and says, "I hate myself, a lot, right now. Thanks for getting me out of there."

Alvina will never admit this, not in a million years, but she’s jealous of this reaction Harper’s pulled out of him. When she’d said hurtful things to him about being part of the mob, he screamed at her and broke things. All Harper had to do was tell him she hated him, maybe Alvina’d said that once too, but she could tell Hudson’s foundation was shaken. Kids are little assassins. He squeezes her to him and she feels a renewed sense of connection and comfort. It’s not like he’d stop if Harper asked him to. Nothing would make him stop, not that she cared anymore. Only if she looked at it too long. The more he sulks, though, the harder it is to maintain that patience and understanding. Had he ever been so shattered after any of their arguments. She knew she should be empathetic and console him. He hates himself...and she thinks about how this stacks with the Candice incident. He is, effectively, hurting the people who love him one by one. And all his soft words or good intentions didn’t stop the blows. He pulls back and looks at her, letting his declaration of hating himself disperse. He thanks her and she looks away. It’s what she’d want him to do if she’d been in his place. So still she says nothing, waiting for him to say more before she replies. “It’s what wives do.” She said, simply, without expanding. She was afraid he’d continue thanking her guiltily, now that his heart was broken open further by Harper. He’s crying. When was the last time she saw him cry? He didn’t even cry when he told her about Candice, or even when she’d found out about Valrae. There was a steadiness in him against her and she hated it violently in this one moment. “Maybe we should just tell them.” Alvina suggests, reaching out to hold his wrist.

Hudson shakes his head at the suggestion that they tell their children the truth. "No," he exhales. "Not for a few more years if we can avoid it ... I'd .. rather they not know, but if they have to know, I'd rather it be one of those things we never talk about." He offers her another rueful smile and feels himself growing steadier, the circumstances forcing it because he knows he's taxing Alvina's patience. 'It's what wives do' had been a strained comment for sure. He looks at her, a silence thickening between them like a mist. Maybe that suggestion on her part had been rooted in resentment. That some part of her believes he does get to have his cake and eat it too. He feels out the contours of old arguments past: it's not that simple, and she sure loves the life that he's created. He resents himself too, though, resents that this incident with Candice is now destabilizing this between himself and Alvina too, resents that he'd gotten into bed with the woman in the first place. If he could go back in time, he would have left with Alvina. He still doesn't know how his resolve cracked. He'd like to, though, because that part of him needs to be exterminated. In the pregnant silence, he realizes that his mind's been made up: he has to know. From there it's only a small leap to an accessible and trustworthy source that owed him a favor: Lanara, and her truth-sifting skull. Today's worthless now because Harper doesn't love him, but he white knuckle his way through not making things worse with her mother.

"Alvina," Hudson says her name with care. He sounds calmer now, the change in focus is barricading him from the wound caused by Harper. He frowns, and his hand shifts to squeeze hers. "I'm going to get help to access my memories of that night and figure out what happened. I was serious when I said I don't want this to happen again, ever. I don't want you to worry that you're going to spend the next however many years off and on lying through your teeth to our children about our marriage. Yeah, the job thing .. that's the gig you signed up for, sure, but this stuff isn't. In fact it's expressly not what you signed up for, I know that." He steadies his gaze on her. "It's one thing for you to have to live privately with me doing dumb stuff that hurts you, it's another to make you go to bat for me in public over it, or even at home when our kids call BS. I won't make you do it again."

Alvina’s patience is faltering with this promise of ‘finding the truth’. She pulls her wrist back, eyes wide with warning that he should stop talking. He doesn’t, though, and at long last she stands up and paces away from him with her arms tight across her chest. Hackles raised, she stares at the opposite wall, trying so hard not to scream at him. Her teeth are clenched, knuckles white in the crook of her elbow. “Stop.” She spits. She knew she’d made compromises with his job despite her protests in the beginning. She was even fine talking to her children without Hudson’s knowledge about his job. HE could pretend no one knew but THEY deserved some clarity. Someone to ask that wasn’t a stranger. What she can’t wrap herself supportively around is this ‘I never want this to happen again’. It’s so simple. DO NOT DO IT! Alvina exhales, turning back to shake her head at him.

“I want to believe what you’re saying - that we’re good and you didn’t want to. But Hudson, if you didn’t want to, you wouldn’t have. You lingered too long, liking the attention from a beautiful woman. Especially in front of Kanze. I get it. It’s flattering when other people pay attention.” A humble brag. Look, dude, I’m married but this fine broad is still shamelessly hitting on me. She starts shaking, eyes hot with tears. She wants to give him mercy with his heart breaking over Harper, so she tries to pull herself back together instead of tearing into him anew. All the nice words in the world didn’t undo what happened. Gods, she loved him -so- much. She thought things were different. They’d been -so- much better. She needs to believe, for her own sanity, that he’s telling the truth but she doesn’t. Not deep down. How could she? If he didn’t want to, he wouldn’t have. But to sit here and tell her he doesn’t know why he did, that he’d never, is insulting. Alvina doesn’t know about Lanara’s Truth Skull. She doesn’t even know that Lanara is back, much less that she, Khitti, and Meri robbed a bank to get the skull out for Lanara’s trial. So she assumes he’s going to get a truth serum of some kind to prove his innocence to her. How would it work if he ‘didn’t remember’ why he’d done it? With an exasperated sigh, she throws her arms up limply. “Fine.” She concedes, knowing no good will come from this. What if the truth is he doesn’t like their family life anymore? That he wants to sow his oats out in the world with pretty young actresses and famous starlets? What if, as much as he loved Alvina, she wasn’t exciting anymore? She wasn’t glamorous anymore? For the first time in a long time, she felt self conscious about her body again. Now, instead of looking and sounding angry, she just looked deflated and oh so sad as she sinks back down onto the bed beside him. She leans her forehead into his chest, not wanting to look at his face or see the hurt she’d not doubt spread there. “Okay. I love you. Find whatever answers you need.” Whatever it takes so they don’t have to do this anymore.

Hudson feels a restlessness in him as Alvina's body language grows more closed off, as her voice takes on an edge of cold iron in the way she says 'stop.' And suddenly he feels impotent to address this subject with her, that anything he will say will be the Wrong Thing, even if it's meant with the best of intentions, and that the only right thing to say is nothing at all. Her words backhand him across the face and there's nothing inaccurate in them but he feels stung unnecessarily for trying to make amends. It's very frustrating to be punished like this when he's used to being the final authority, the head of the household, what he says goes, the pack alpha, etc. He simply looks at her, all the resolve formerly in his expression now bleeding into a resolve to remain silent and not further poison this interaction. Alvina's 'fine' sounds hardly like acquiescence and everything like condemnation for a stupid idea. He feels a resentment coiling in his chest like a spring and expects her to take another shot at him, one that would surely push him over the edge, make him argue with her too, but instead she hides her face against him and tells him she loves him and that he should 'find whatever answers [he] need[s]." He is very still, feeling her words bind him with love. To fight with her now would be cruel. Beyond anything else, he knows what she means is that they need to stay united and parent their children. The peace with Harper needs to be mended. They stay unmoving and silent, listening to the sound of Marge talking to Luna and Bryce in the hall. "I love you too," he sighs, resting a hand on the top of her head. "I guess we have to go back out there."

Alvina feels the rumble of his voice thought his chest as he speaks. His tone is one of resignation and self control. He’d endured both her and Harper’s remarks. Harper’s stung more, they were brand new. Alvina was just lashing into old scars, like she always did. It felt more justifiable in that moment then it had in years. Maybe because she didn’t start the discussion of ‘finding the truth’. They’d discussed it, in no uncertain terms, and reached a peace about it behind closed doors. To pull it up again, to cut away the sutures -was- cruel but she’d held back as much as she could. Alvina sighed against his shirt, wishing the house was empty so they could press the reset button on this day. They should have talked more in depth about how to handle an outburst from their children. It just hadn’t crossed their minds. Why wouldn’t they believe their parents? She rubs her eyes before sitting upright and considering the bedroom door. She hates feeling this way. A level of childish, a need to be consoled after arguments. Especially when she gave as good as she got. This was a remnant of who she’d used to be. The sliver of a self conscious youth who believed in right above all else. Who was personally wounded by the negative opinions of others. Still, during their fights, she wanted them to always end with an understanding that they still loved each other. That nothing was broken beyond repair. That their fight did not mean the dissolution of their marriage. “I guess so.” She sniffs, not wanting to go back. When his hand leaves her hair, she’ll find it and squeeze it in her own. Words of encouragement stick in her throat. Try to be patient with her, Hudson, she’s just hurt and confused. Of course he knew that, he’d managed Alvina’s reactions many times over. But it felt different when it was your child. Like a new dagger, slicing new pathways you didn’t think possible with the same words adults use.

She waits for him to stand and move towards the door before she does the same. They don’t need to discuss what happens now; Alvina will gather the other kids with Marge and Hudson will need to talk to Harper one on one. She stops in the hallway, outside their bedroom door and leans up to kiss his cheek. “For luck.”