RP:Pound The Alarm

Part of the Two If By Sea Arc

Summary: Zirael has plotted her attack carefully, enlisting Aptera to assist her with her assault on land. The Siren Queen vs the siren, it's almost ironic really. But the siren was not left undefended, what with Hudson, Sargaso and Crazy Amy transformed by divine powers into sea-creatures to defend against Zirael and Aptera. It's unclear whether their god abandoned them or favoured the true champions of the sea: the siren was badly damaged and both parties retreated to lick their wounds. Cue the next phase of the plan...

Sargaso's Shack

Zirael had chosen to make her move in the cover of darkness. I mean, sure, she could do this in the daylight because the light would reflect off of her scales and be super sparkly and pretty but she had to think tactical. Maximum death, maximum fear rather than maximum seduction. The mermaid’s head breached the surface of the water with barely a sound, her movements purposeful and like a crocodile waiting in the water: watching for prey soundlessly in the water. The mermaid would wait for Aptera to appear beside her, hoping that the younger and obviously less pretty mermaid would follow suit in her stealthy mannerisms. Her eyes have settled upon the siren that lurks on the shore, knowing full well that if she or Aptera were to draw any closer that it would certainly sound off and alarm anyone nearby to the fact they were there. “Spare no one,” the Siren Queen commands. “Take care of that idiot who can’t fix the siren properly. He’ll be weak and you need the food. Take him down while I take down the siren. I will deal with whoever else opposes us.”

Aptera rose to the surface right behind Zirael, teetering in rolling waves like a fisherman's bobber. The two were every bit silent and every bit deadly. At the Queen's commands, she nods, knowing Hudson would have figured out her game now and have no more trust for her. Eating him now just made sense. It wasn't personal. Whenever else opposes us. Aptera groaned, low in her throat trying to keep the sound from projecting further than her own personal space bubble. "How are you going to get to the siren...?" She asked, feeling every bit younger but not the least bit prettier. Because, come on, mermaids.

The idiot who can't fix the siren properly is presently under siege. That's why he's awake. Crazy Amy, the non-girlfriend of his roommate, had shown up late at night at the property uninvited because (1) that's how she rolls, and (2) usually it works out for her. Unfortunately for all, Sargaso is presently unavailable to her and it's late. Hudson had to deliver the news. Crazy Amy had naturally leaped to the conclusion that Sargaso was out putting it in other women. Well. It was possible. But Hudson, observer of the man privilege, is going to go to the wall on this. Which is to say he's been outside the shack on the receiving end of Amy's banshee screeching for maybe five, close to ten, minutes now. She's been holding off on leaving because she hopes to bust Sargaso in flagrante delicto. She's gotten progressively more hysterical, probably because Huds had asserted that Sargaso was at the gym. Really, the gym, at this hour? Huds isn't Sargaso's keeper, the dude works a lot and has to go to the gym sometime. She'll wait, then. Dude, Amy, no, because Huds wants to go to bed. The argument continues in this vein, outside the shack, until Amy, detecting movement in the water, begins to scream bloody murder. "Your dumb siren never works!" she screams in Hudson's face. Talk about yanking his chain. "Shut up and leave! There's NOTHING there!" he bellows back at her, evidently reaching close to the end of his fuse.

Crazy Amy needs to chill because Sargaso was at The Office. (Not a real office). A buddy of his was celebrating a birthday, and the only gift worth giving is lap dances. Lap dances are like shots, in that they are best enjoyed when everyone is gang-pressed into indulging. This explains why Sargaso currently reeks of baby powder and oil. On his way home he strolled over to Crazy Amy's to finish what the stripper started, but the blonde wasn't home. Where else could she be? An image of his shack set on fire sparked in his mind and sent the fisherman running home to try and salvage at least his kayak. He breaks a sweat as he runs from Amy to his bachelor pad, and slows down when sees her slapping Hudson's shoulder feebly and shrieking, "Turn on the siren!" "Amy, stop!" Sargaso bellows like dog handler to his unruly bitch. Amy's ire swivels around and locks on Sargaso and she perfectly merges both her beefs, "Where the hell have you been?! You're off f**king some whore meanwhile I'm under threat of mermaids!" She's gesturing wildly to the sea. "I could be dead by now! Not that you even care! Probably be happy to be rid of me!" Sargaso wipes a single hand over his face, and rubs his eyes and the bridge of his nose as he exhales. Serenity now. He doesn't believe for a second there are mermaids in the water, because Amy lies all the time, and the siren is silent. Hudson told him he fixed it just yesterday. Hudson wouldn't lie about such things. "Amy, it's 3 in the morning. I'm going to bed." His voice is a little raspy from too much hard liquor and one cigar, another indulgence men peer-pressure each other to indulge.

Zirael did not need to answer Aptera. Aptera was beneath her in the grand scheme of things, so she really didn't need to dignify the weaker mermaid with an answer. Yet... for some unknown reason, she elected to do so. "The sea will take me," she answered Aptera in a whisper, as her hand elegantly left the water and lingered above the surface of the water. The water rippled and gently moved, metal glinting below the surface as a long-handled trident surged forth and into her grip as if she had summoned it from the deep. "Someone is yelling," she whispered to Aptera, "now is the time we strike! I will attack the siren and grab their attention," with my stunning looks of course, "you will grab and kill whoever is stupid enough to be caught." It was a strategy of sorts. Zirael disappeared below the water, moving towards the siren and the shack. Of course, she isn't close enough yet to trigger the damnable siren. The siren only begins wailing when a massive wave of water had curled up and came crashing down upon the shore, drenching all that stood in its way; sweeping away those who were too foolish to brace for impact. Zirael had spoken of gifts amongst her kind, here was her gift: a hydromancer. Standing upon the shore, naked as the day she was born and with two legs, the mermaid stares at the mortals with nothing but baleful contempt before she handles the trident and begins to spear the metal prongs against the device. Mermaid smash!

Aptera heard the screaming, saw the figures, and listened to Zirael with a keen interest. The sea was going to take her...and then, it did. Zirael's body was lifted on the wave, and thrown down onto the beach in a powerful spray of water with...a pair of legs? What the - "Are you kidding me?" The mermaid huffs, writhing her hips as she swam, clawing her way towards any humans caught in the wave Zirael summoned. Teeth extended, nails sharpened to a bloody tip. Playing the role of mad Hound dog while Zirael went for the siren. Each few feet, Aptera became more monstrous, calling out a passionate song to drown out the defense system.

Hudson is trying to block all these slaps to his person with his forearm. If Sargaso's not getting laid right now, or at The Office, or doing something worthwhile - like if he's legit just lifting at the gym - then none of this will have been worth it. Serenity now! Praise Sven, Sargaso is here. "Dude," exhales Hudson, as he runs a train to zone/his assailant immediately aggros on Sargaso. Huds almost feels phantom blows that's how used he is to being beat on by Her Grace Crazy Amy, who is now rounding on his roommate. He takes a second to breathe and doesn't bother to correct Sarge's information on the siren. Truth is, Huds's "fixing" of the siren mostly consisted of drinking beers and kicking it, which was not very effective... Though it can seem effective. It was sort of like a bad car alarm all told. In any event, Hudson is taking a second to recover and pondering how cruel it is that Amy's only decided to shred him with her fake nails and not her non-boyfriend. He stares at the shack and runs his hands along his neck, realizing that he's got claw marks there, which is bound to be a great icebreaker for his upcoming breakfast with his mum, which is... in several hours, so he'll show up looking like he's had no sleep because he was banging a tiger. Great. He needs to get to bed. At least Sarge is on the case now. Though very suddenly a gigantic wave deus ex machina interrupts his train of thought, Sarge telling Amy what's what, everything. Unsuspecting Hudson is swept up in it and as such drinks more than the nutritionally recommended serving of salt for the day. Just as quickly, the wave recedes, and he finds himself ejected at random on the shore, coughing and drenched, and... near Aptera, who is hoisting herself toward him alarmingly fast. Oh snap, hell no, not this chick again. "SARGE!" Hudson shouts, and then experiences a rare moment of competence and blasts the alchemical word for water at her. He freezes the area surrounding her, hopefully caging her in ice or at least slowing her down considerably. "NO," he says to her - as if she were a naughty animal - and climbs to his feet. His clothing has little bits of ice stuck to it but adrenaline's a funny thing and keeps a body warm. He rallies to Sargaso.

Amy opens her mouth to lay into Sargaso again when her jaw goes slack at the growing tsunami behind him. He whips around to see what she sees and shouts something guttural and incoherent to Hudson, some command cut short by the crashing wave. He tumbles and swallows water, powerless to orient his body, but capable of flailing his arms in Amy's direction to catch her before they get separated. They are spit back out further inland, close to the shack. "Amy!" All his assertive bravado melts away to reveal genuine affection for his non-girlfriend. He paws at her face and looks into her eyes to make sure she is conscious and lucid. She is, albeit trembling and shocked. He stands up, yanks her with him, and makes for the shack to retrieve his harpoon before even getting a lay of the shore. En route to find Hudson-cum-Mr. Freeze, and fight mermaids, he catches a peripheral glance of Zira, his esrtwhile beach lover who currently assaults the siren. With a trident. What? He shouts for Amy to stay back, but the clingy blonde follows him and he doesn't have time to argue. A second wave is coming. He rallies with Hudson and without explanation lays a hand on the alchemist's shoulder and whispers a nautical incantation. The men briefly glow, and Amy as well because she was touching Sargaso and is thus unwittingly sucked into his spell. "The hell?!" she exclaims. Sargaso keeps his religion private, from non-girlfriends and roommates alike. Surprise, Huds! His goddess, Selene, is fickle like the ocean, but does hear her paladin's prayer just in time for the half-sized tidal wave. She gifts the trio with the bodies of her children so that they may better manuever within the waves. Sargaso turns into a harpoon-clutching octopus with his human face stretched out over his bulbous head (like http://www.cultbox.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Doctor-Who-The-End-of-the-World-Lady-Cassandra.jpg, but with Sargaso face); Clingy Amy turns into a sea slug with a small waist and big boobs and latches onto one of Octo Sarge's many tentacles; and Hudson morphs into a giant lobster, with his eyes disembodied and held up on eye stalks (like http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/chroniclesofillusion/images/a/a6/Krumm.png/revision/latest?cb=20131114023201 but a lobster). The wave lifts Octo Sarge (and Slimey Amy) and he swims through it deftly now to approach Zira, who may or may not be a mermaid, but is definitely a mermaid sympathizer. Unsure of her species, unwilling to kill a human over destruction-of-property, he opts to whap her hard with the non-pointy end of his harpoon. Hudson the Jock Lobster must handle Aptera. The siren has taken some damage, but it not yet beyond repair.

Zirael's priority is the siren and her own hide. Many mermaids and sea-creatures must die to further her great cause and if Aptera happens to be one of those casualties, well, Zirael will just have to soldier on somehow. Oh what a burden on her fragile little heart! How ever will she continue? Pretty well, actually. Aptera is fodder in this mission and if she lives then perhaps the two of them might well become friends. With Aptera encased in the ice and Zirael left to deal with the trio of sea-idiots, the mermaid's jaw appears to grotesquely shift from side to side; dislocating and distending as if she were a serpent about to consume a meal much bigger than herself. Although, Zirael does not intend to eat these buffoons just yet. With her maw wide open, the Siren Queen unleashes a most horrendous scream; a banshee like scream as if to throw those who would dare to stand against her into a realm of sheer disorientation; let them spin in that water for a moment. The mermaid turned on her heel, thrusting the trident into the main structure of the siren - uncaring if it destroys it or not. With her hands free to do her more magical work, the mermaid extends one hand in the direction of Aptera and the other in the direction of the terrible trio: the hand in the direction of Aptera seems to shake and wiggle slightly as if she is straining to keep her arm so extended. But the truth of the matter is that her magic over the water is at work, with each shake of her hand, the mermaid is vibrating the molecules that encase Aptera; she is heating the ice via the vibration and loosening it, restoring the ice back to its liquid state in order to free her fellow mermaid. Maybe she did like the other mermaid after all. However, Zirael's emerald eyes are focused upon the hideous looking Sargaso, the crusty looking Hudson and the fat slut-- slug with them. Her eyes burn with fury, with hatred and absolute spite. She wants them to die and to suffer. While her hand wiggles and shakes at Apter, her hand directed at the terrible trio was arched like a little cage: like she were trapping a mouse; yet it slowly pulled up and away. With a howling scream, Sargaso and Hudson would learn why. Zirael had removed all the water from Crazy Amy's vicinity, leaving but the salt. And everyone knows that if you want to kill a slug, you cover the damn thing in salt to watch it melt.

Aptera shrieks as Hudson pulls some kind of smart move and freezes the water around her and, thankfully, not inside of her. Her limbs are frozen mid attack; claws extended, teeth gnashing, and maw wide for the devouring. She rolls her eyes, glaring heavily at the quick thinking slacker. " I should have killed you when I had the chance, "she said, her voice able to pass through the ice surrounding. It projected her sound out, like a stereo system, until Zirael uses her gods given magic to free her. Aptera did not see that one coming! Ready for battle, the mermaid turns to see new opponents and cackles. The fight is already won if they are facing off with a lobster, some sort of tentical-riddled abomination and a very top heavy slug, who was about to be seasoned to deathly perfection. Looked like Hudson was the next course. "Say, Handsome," a crawled hand reaches out to crush one of his eyes atop his stalk while her tail twists underneath her (professional mermaids breakdancer) to trip him up. He's maneuvering a brand new body. His claw stalk coordination might take a bit to get use to, and she had the advantage. The piercing tips of her claws try to drive into his shell, to slice away at his delicious juicy meats. Human or not, she was going to exhaust all possible options to kill him. Sargaso be damned. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that you have to take a girl to dinner before you try any funny business?" And by dinner, of course she meant him. Speaking of eating...If Zirael didn't eat her when this was over: mission success.

Hudson doesn't have time to question his miraculous luck, which happens to surface every time he needs it(FN), or wonder if he's peaked in terms of alchemy. The gents are experiencing a nautical throwback to their throw down on the court, and Hudson goes back-to-back with Sargaso, ready to launch another offensive against... crazy trident lady and girlfriend impersonator mermaid. This is like a bad side-scroller fighter game. Because Hudson is a poorly played Subzero-type character who has great potential but in reality relies on a game plan that consists of button mashing a cheap freezing move. Sargaso better turn out to be a B+ Raiden, so they can combine forces and spam their way to victory. "Get back, Amy," Huds says, automatically, like somebody tiredly telling an animal to get off the furniture. It's pointless. A horrible roar fills the air, and Huds feels a sea change rip through his body, and gets out the words "What the-" before he realizes Sarge has activated some type of powerup that's made them into gigantic anthropomorphic sea critters. (His first thought is he doesn't know where his junk is, but he'll find it later.) Somehow Aptera's gotten free, and her hand is approaching his eye, which he realizes is a strange ways away from his body. Still, his reaction is pretty much kneejerk; Hudson swings his massive lobster claw to defensively block. He tries to seize her hand in his pincers, but he's just a second too late, and then he finds that his mobility is hampered because he has like 23423 tiny legs and something's in front of them, and they're just unable to deal, blue screen of death, you must restart in safe mode, etc. Come on. It takes him a second to get back in position, whatever that means for a lobster. He tries to maneuver his stalk-eyes to see how Aptera - it's obviously her - is assaulting him, because he feels a discomforting clawing at his skin, which is conveniently hardened. He's not sure if he can talk right now, and he's too overwhelmed anyway to bother. She certainly has speed on him. His shell was pretty cool but she was kind of hurting him, so it clearly wouldn't stand this indefinitely. He jams a claw into the ground in a belated jab at the mermaid, and mostly succeeds in spraying sand in her face but not actually hitting her. That was something, it bought him a second, worth a second go. Hudson's claw opens to scrape the sand bed a second time, this time slinging a considerable amount of the stuff directly at Aptera's face. A little dirty, hey, but it's also a classic Pokemon opener move. No time to think about how he's never fought a woman, or revisit in detail his knowledge of slugs and salt -- as far as he could tell, Amy seemed to be staying out of the way. Huds acts quickly in the window he's opened for himself, he clicks his pincers menacingly, swinging one of the claws in a wide backhand that's intended to land on the jaw.

(FN) #Privilege

Sargaso recoils at the Siren Queen's unhinged scream and his harpoon misses, whishing through the second wave and leaving behind a trail of bubbles and no blood. Damn. The banshee wail confirms the mermaid's species, and, as the second wave recedes to expose Octo-Sarge again, he clumsily twirls the harpoon in his tentacle so the pointy-end threatens her, unsteadily. Manipulating tentacles is difficult, but they're stronger than he expeced. He thrusts the harpoon like a whaler right at Zirael's chest just as her spell over-salts Amy. Thankfully, Amy's slug boobs are like a camel's hump, i.e. they retain extra water to get her through a drought. But it won't be enough. Her boobs are shriveling up into yellow raisins fast. Clearly the mermaid is jealous of Amy, given the mermaid's infatuation with Sargaso (justifiable; stud). Instead of chasing after his harpoon, he rolls his tentacles on the damp sand towards the third wave. Each successive wave is smaller than the last as Zirael's initial spell fades, but it's enough to wash over and replenish his non-girlfriend whose life is more important than the siren or mermaid slaying. The wave lifts Sargaso's body and he swims through it quickly to carry Amy a safe distance away from Zirael before the wave pulls back out to sea. He's re-exposed to the air closer to Hudson, and taps a tentacle on his buddy's lobster tail to get his attention. So long as they're in the water or close to shore, there's no way they can beat Zirael and Aptera, the apex predators of the sea. They need to move inland and regroup.

Zirael enjoyed making people suffer, particularly stupid slugs. She was a vindictive sort, hellbent on vengeance and just generally being the absolute worst person in the world really. With Aptera handling Hudson's stalk so expertly, the mermaid can continue to focus on trying to melt Crazy Amy and, for once, avoid the harpooning Octo-Sarge is intent to give her. Her banshee like scream had fortunately forced the initial harpoon to go off course and miss her but the second one would likely not be quite so easy to avoid. Having worked her marine magic, the mermaid turned to look at the trident sticking out of the metalwork that composed the siren; hands wrapping around the shaft so she could tear it free and toss it at Octo-Sarge. The twist and momentum of her own body meant she had shifted slightly out of position, the harpoon tearing against her arm and ripping a chunk of flesh. It would scar. The mermaid shrieked with rage, that unnatural and unholy shriek that would likely burst eardrums. It was time, however, to retreat. "To the sea!"

Aptera enjoys a few blows against Hudson while he struggles with his sea legs; blocking his path here, clawing at his shell there. It’s all good fun except no one is dying and she’s hungry. So...the game has to end. Just as this thought begins cabling to the rest of her body, a mild sand attack springs up in front of her, lowering her accuracy and overall frustrating the hell out of her. Water was king. She turned her breakdance proficient tail around and slapped water in his general direction to clear the dust from the sand and sweep him back towards the ocean where she would have a deadly advantage. His claw landed soundly against her jaw line, knocking her prone in the waves. Then came Zirael’s womanly shriek of rage. That mermaid could scream! It was tempting to try and keep up this fight with Hudson the Lobster but the tide of the battle had turned. Time to go home, kiddos. With that, Aptera retracted her claws and teeth, letting the waves pull her back out to sea in the process. Out of reach, she offers Hudson a wink with a side of backside as she dove dramatically underwater to wait for Zirael. Mermaids were a confusing mixture of sex appeal and murder. This was far from over.

Hudson, having clocked Aptera, is beginning to think that he's getting the hang of being a lobster when a tentacle pokes him on the butt. At least he thinks that's what Sargaso's touched. He is slow to react, because otherwise it would just be embarrassing. They'd have to acknowledge that a mildly non-100%-straight thing happened, and frankly what happens when you're a sea critter... happens when you're a sea critter and ends there. Therefore, it never happened, though the message was received. Huds' many sets of legs carry him in a crab-like gait across the sand to join Sargaso, his eye stalks swiveling to catch the departure of Aptera and Zirael, and then check on Amy. The alchemist feels banged up - armor was nice and all, but he knows Aptera's clawed the dickens out of him. He hopes that Crazy Amy's boobs survived the salt attack, seeing as they weren't actually real. Thinking these important victory thoughts, Huds clicks his pincers at the retreating seaborn in the absent way of a person clicking a pen. That's right. Get out.

Sargaso probably touched Hudson in the butt. Roommate level up. Also, let us meditate on what a bang up job Amy's cosmetic illusionist did on her boobs. A job so thoroughly done that the illusion transfered over into her metamorphosis. That is one dedicated boob-flater. Just as dedicated as Zirael and Aptera, who, having successfully destroyed the siren, retreat. So do the walkers/crawlers/tentacle...rollers... Sargaso gingerly places Slug Amy in a tub of potable water attached to the side of the shack to catch rain water. Here's the catch: Sargaso can't dispel the transformations on will. It's on a timer, and a generous one. They're stuck like this for another agonizingly long 15 minutes, blinking at each other and unable to speak, waiting for the sands of time to pass. The moon shines. The star twinkle. A gentle sea breeze caresses a giant lobster, octopus, and slug with human faces, just chilling on the beach. Sargaso draws in the sand to communicate some sort of count down to Hudson that when combined with his shifting eyes and nervous tentacle fidgetting more or less goes "Any minute now." "Maybe another 5 minutes." "Tricky to estimate these things." At long last they snap back into their human forms, butt naked. Amy's boobs in their full nude glory. The fisherman is quick to cover her body with his torso and give Hudson his back. Second roommate level up of the night. Sargaso coughs and nods for Hudson to go in first seeing as how his room is beyond Sargaso's room. It's like loading the plane from the back to the front. A plane full of naked people.