RP:In Which Ralph Is Forced To Endure Further Obnoxious Humanoids

Part of the Agitation Arc

Summary: Hudson embarks on a philanthropic mission to re-plant Ralph, the talking ficus tree, in Xalious. Lanara appears and offers to assist. Through conversation with Ralph, they learn that a lich is involved in the trio of incompetent mages. Lanara proceeds to get ooze all over herself, whereupon Hudson engages in various heroic acts (?). A lightning storm kicks up, and all must evacuate. Ralph tells them to mind the lemmings, in an apparent non sequitur.

Xalious Hillside

Hudson is surprising himself with the tenderness he's showing toward "Ralph", sentient and especially chatty ficus tree. Ralph is presently strapped in to a cart, which is hooked up to Huds's horse (who also happens to be his pride and joy). Said horse is not feeling this exercise, and as Huds attempts to tie her to a tree, she tosses her head in the manner of uppity thoroughbreds everywhere. "I don't want to go back," complains Ralph, for the umteenth time. Huds, peeling away from his ride, dignifies this with a snort. "Don't think anybody wants you to stay in the Eyrie any more, mate, you're kind of annoying," he says, moving to unlatch the wagon.

Lanara lands, literally, three feet to the left of Hudson, which only startles the mare, even further. The witch dismounts from her golden-runed broomstick, and stares at the spectacle before her. A talking tree, a beautiful mare, a large cart, and Hudson. Settling her chocolate gaze on the male, she offers a half smile, and quirks a brow. “What are you up to, Huds?” She questions, as her palms are extended outwards and rest on the long neck of the thoroughbred. “There, there, pretty girl…” The empath murmurs, shooting soothing sensations into the animals form, and waiting for Hudson’s answer.

Hudson's horse tosses her head, whinnying in protest of Lanara's sudden appearance, and in so doing, tangles her mane against a nearby shrubbery. And thus begins to spook anew due to assault-by-shrubbery. "Oh for Sven's sake, it's a SHRUBBERY. Can she shut her face already? This horse is literally the most high-maintenance creature I've ever interacted with," comments Ralph, his branches wilting a little in the plant pantomime of a head falling back in feigned fatigue. Hudson, firing expletives better not reproduced here, tells Ralph in so many words to shut his face, and then goes to check up on Cleopatra. It's then that he comes upon Lanara, who is doing his job and soothing his horse. Doing maybe a better job than he would. Cleo pauses from nuzzling Lanara to snort indignantly at the shrub that had assaulted her. "Hey," he exhales at the witch, doing a double take at her broomstick. "Thanks," he sighs. "That's uh, that's my horse Cleo. She... spooks at everything. Um. What am I doing here." A loud belch issues in Ralph's general direction, and Hudson, provoked into remembering his mission, thumbs over his shoulder. "Re-planting a talking ficus tree into his native environment. He uh, was summoned from all the black ooze around here." Behind Hudson, Ralph begins to sing 'My Heart Will Go On'. Hudson winces, but otherwise attempts to ignore this. "You'll have heard about that, I expect?"

Lanara soothes the mare, and nuzzles her cheek affectionately against the horse’s long forehead, as the two glare at the non-menacing shrubbery. Finding a new friend in Cleopatra, the witch gives the horse a final comforting pat and turns to hold Hudson’s gaze. “Looks to me like you’re having a hard time with that task, huh?” Grinning, she peers over the alchemist’s shoulder and gives the talking ficus tree a once over, though her pointed ears twitch as the attempt of singing hurts her elf ears. Long brown hair is pulled over the woman’s left shoulder, in a loose braid, and she was donning farm clothes. A plaid crop top bares a toned stomach, and dark blue short-shorts are worn on her legs, accompanied by knee-high leather cowgirl boots. A red bandana is tied around the woman’s neck, and there’s a a faded clump of dirt that rests on her right cheek. “I just came from work… The farm…” She explains, growing suddenly shy about her attire, though her attention is quickly drawn back to Hudson at the mention of ‘ooze’ and the summoned tree. “Um… No, actually. I haven’t heard about it. You look like you could use a hand with all of this, so why don’t I assist you, while you explain?”

Hudson follows Lanara's gaze toward Ralph, and he rubs at his jawline, which now has the makings of a lazy man's beard growing there. "Yeeeeah he's something," he drags out the word to agree with her. Dealing with Ralph had its ups and downs. Mostly its downs. His gaze swings back to Lanara as she offers to help. She's dressed for it, anyway. Leave it to Lanara to wear sexy farm clothes, he thinks. Caught looking, he shoots her something like a shameless smirk and waves her over to the cart that contains the singing tree. Who incidentally stops singing upon becoming the center of attention. "I guess a bunch of trees and plants in Xalious are dying, becoming black ooze," says Huds, offering Lanara the lead on the wagon. He positions himself at the rear, ready to push as she pulls. He nods in the general direction of a vegetative bank that looks reasonable enough to plant a talking ficus tree. "Anyway I uh... tried to turn the ooze back into plant matter, this is what happened. Ralph." Ralph chooses this moment to chime in, using Hudson's explanation as a launchpad for his own trials and tribulations. He begins to tell Lanara about his depressive existence, and how he hates the seasons, and small children, and birds always pooping on him, and wind, and etcetera. It's like a never-ending screed of complaints. Hudson meets her gaze somewhere a minute into it, silently commiserating. He only speaks up to warn her of an encroaching black ooze puddle. "Lanara, your left. Lookout. Ugh, it's here too," he waves her around it, as Ralph crows between them, "They're at it again! The three morons!"

Lanara catches the shameless smirk that was given in regards to her shapely, and somewhat revealing form, and feels her cheeks redden, though the blush only enhances her beauty. Shaking her head, the brunette readies herself in the front, and aims to pull the cart, while Hudson pushes. The cart eventually lurches ahead, one foot, three foot, and finally, five foot. Nearer to their assumed destination, she’s about to turn the cart, when the warning is issued and she nearly plants her boot in the puddle of black ooze. A grimace of distaste passes across her attractive face, as the cart comes to a rapid standstill, and she turns around, hands planted on her slender hips. “Now, what?” At the mention of the ‘three’ morons, Lana frowns, and gives Ralph a glare that most dragons would bow down from, she was warning the floral abomination. Did he dare to call Huds, Cleo, and herself, a moron? “Morons?! We’re not the ones singing atrociously and being carted far away, for being an annoyance!” The bickering between the tree and Lana would likely continue, at least until Hudson intervened, or came up with another plan, as the ooze was blocking their way.

Hudson likewise grimaces as Ralph seems to kick Lanara off, and the two seemingly go at it. "I think," he cuts in, forever regretting having ever met the depressive and turd-stirring Ralph, "there's a chance Ralph might have referred to these uh, mages, that he was rambling around the other day. Not necessarily us." "You're definitely a group of morons as well," says Ralph, with decisiveness. "Right," says Huds, side-eyeing the ficus as he reaches into the wagon to pull free a sweater that he'd shed during his trip over. "Lift your boot," says Huds, who has moved over to Lanara, brandishing the knit garment. "It literally burns if you touch it, or maybe that's only the second time, or something, I'm not really sure to be honest," maybe shouldn't have smoked up immediately afterwards. Leaning down, he attempts to wipe the stuff off of the leather of her shoe. Let it never be said that chivalry is dead. He's mostly successful, and then balls up the sweater and chucks it into a nearby shrubbery. "This place seems as good as any, I guess," he tells Lanara, reaching for the shovel and moving around her and black ooze alike. "Can't imagine the black stuff would hurt him, he came from it. Also, I'll be honest I don't care all that much. He's a nasty bugger. Anyway, you see what we're dealing with."

Lanara silences herself from giving into exchanged further obscenities with the deplorable tree, and obediently lifts her foot, so that Hudson could clean the muck from her boot. Unable to keep from smiling at the chivalrous notion, Lana rests her hand lightly on his shoulder and murmurs a soft ‘thank you’ as she peers closely at the black ooze. “Hm… Black burning ooze? It sounds…Lovely. And you say three mages were responsible for making such an…Abomination?” A quick, icy, glare was given to the tree, as she peers over her slender shoulder, before stepping away from Hudson and nipping her lower lip, as though she were deep in thought. “I agree, the black ooze shouldn’t harm the ficus tree… I wonder what would happen if we just tossed him into a large puddle or pool of the ooze? Would he bond with it again? Maybe root himself to the earth, or what not? What’s your take on this, Hudson?” As she awaits an answer, the witch leans her back against Cleo’s mid-section, arms crossed over her chest.

Hudson chuckles as he digs the shovel into the ground, tossing dirt away from them. "Toss Ralph into the ooze?" he says, a smirk in his tone. Ralph, all the while, is sputtering words of protest, his branches under assault by the swish of Cleo's tail. "I mean he's rude as all hell, but he is sentient," comments Huds. "Yes, I'm sentient!" cries Ralph. "Amazing, and here I thought you wanted to die," comments Huds with a grunt as he bears his weight on the shovel, "I recall you previously begging to be put down." "But your lady friend graciously intervened on my behalf, at which point I have developed a new vigor for life, though I remain for the most part rather depressed," points out the tree, at which point Huds pauses in his digging to look between Lanara and the plant. "My lady friend," repeats Huds, looking a bit nonplussed. "I don't think... Oh. You mean Josleen?" He resumes his shoveling, playing it off casual for Lanara's sake. "We were doing work related to the ooze, I tried to turn the ooze back into plant matter, hence Ralph," says Huds with a quick glance her way. He wipes his brow with his sleeve and begins to tell her about the lightning storms in the area, and the roaming fire elementals. "I guess it's all interconnected to these three mages, honestly, you'd think a talking ficus tree would have more information to share." Ralph's body language, if it can be called that, looks oddly closed off. Hudson makes a noise as he heaves the pot off the wagon, and then begins to pry the shovel between the pot and the soil containing Ralph. "They said something about a lich," says Ralph, haughtily. "Careful, my roots, you IDIOT!" "You want to be in a pot forever or what? Shut your face," replies Huds, looking to Lanara. "Can you pull off the pot if I hold him still?"

Lanara pushes off of Cleo, after listening to Hudson’s explanation, which caused her to remain wide-eyed most of the time, though upon mention of Josleen, her left eye twitched, noticeably. “That’s quite a… Um… Tale… And the only result the mages had was black ooze, a talking tree, and reference to a lich?” Seeming somewhat perplexed, as though Huds had told her a fantastical tale, she furrows her brows in confusion, though she eventually ends her confusion with a slight shrug. “Well… This is Hollow, after all. The land of heartbreak, death, and oddities. What’s so strange about throwing some more freaky stuff into the pile of sh-" Lanara’s voice trails off, as Ralph yells at the alchemist, and is being poked with a shovel. “You probably liked it… You nuisance.” Lana retorts, while nodding to Hudson and taking hold of the opposite side of the pot, prepared to pull. “Ready, when you are, Huds…” She murmurs, though she can’t help but throw in an inquiry about the despised nurse. “So… Jos is in on all of this, too? Last I heard…My sister had hexed her, and she ran off to Xalious with Ansel. So… Are you her new victim?” Big, brown, slightly intimidating yet dreamy, doe eyes fixate on the handsome male, with curiosity. Lana found Hudson handsome, sure, but they were just flirty friends, nothing more. She was merely looking out for his best interests.

Hudson makes the sign for Lanara to wait a second, and just to be sure, he passes the shovel's edge around the perimeter of the pot one more time. "Er no, sorry, I'm jumping around here. I guess all we know right now is that there's three mages, and a lich, and they're... creating black ooze. Which you should avoid touching," he clarifies for her, squatting by the ficus tree and grabbing a firm hold of the branches. Ralph begins to shout, as if Hudson were pulling his hair out. "JUST A SECOND," says Hudson to the tree, as if that's supposed to be soothing. "Now!" he tells Lanara with a grunt, his hold on the plant tightening as presumably she pulls on her end and frees the tree, who has..not..stopped..yelling. "Uh," he exhales in response to all of this information about Josleen. Drama, it sounds like. Best to not get involved. He does a double take to meet Lanara's gaze. "Am I her new ---- oh. No." He snorts, amused. "I mean, she's hot, but. For one, per man code, she's off limits." He pauses here to ease the ficus tree down into the new hole he'd dug for him. "For two," he reaches for his shovel, "I'm off the market myself these days." He begins to dump soil on the small tree, which is muttering a repetition of expletives in a foreign language. "This guy thinks he's clever," says Huds to Lanara. "Before we leave, you should cheer him up with your...thing that you do."

Lanara pulls on the pot, which was slightly heavier than she expected it to be, and she stumbles back, slightly. As Ralph is tugged from the pot, and freed of it’s confines, Lana regains her balance, just before falling awkwardly to the ooze covered ground. “Oh, thank goddness! Not that Josleen is a bad elf… She’s just… Well, I won’t go into my dislike of the girl, but I am pleased that you didn’t fall for her trap. So! Who is the lucky little lady? I’m happy for you, Huds! You got a girlfriend!” Giving the male a playful jab in the ribs, Lana walks over to the ficus tree, who was now threatning them both, and narrows her eyes on the pathetic nature abomination. “I have to waste my energy…On him?!” A brief scowl contorts the empath’s pretty face, though she smiles and rests her hands on the tree’s base, and humming softly, she puts images of peace and happiness into Ralph. “All better…”

Hudson continues to dump soil onto Ralph but tries to peer around Lanara, seeing as she'd seemingly taken a tumble into the ooze. Well if she wasn't shrieking in pain, maybe it was all good? "Thanks. It's this girl Alvina, lives in Kelay, we met at work," he answers her, closing one eye in a feigned wince in response to her jab. "Clearly she hasn't figured out that she can do better yet," he quips, getting an eyeful of Lana's behind as she approaches the tree to work her empathy on the foul-tempered bugger. Ralph does seem more cheerful but. Er. Yea, she had ooze on her person. Reaaally not a great place, if the ooze is keen to eat through her clothes. It's not as if he had scientifically wiped all traces of it off her boots either. Gods knew how this stuff worked. And is there even a good way to tell her that her magnificent arse is in imminent danger of chemical burn? Yea, not really! He's got to speak up though, for the booty, on behalf of straight men everywhere. He is basically a public servant. Somebody give him a medal at a ceremony where there are bagpipes. He's concerned about women's health. "You know, Lanara," he says, hesitating. "You've definitely got black ooze on your butt. I mean it looks that way. I don't know how else to say this, but maybe you are gonna have to change. Like right now probably."

Lanara lowers her hands from the tree, frowning somewhat, as her empathic abilities only worked slightly, being that she was performing on a tree, not an actual being. Or perhaps it was because he was created and not actual born? Whatever the reason, Ralph remains silent for the time being, and only angry, ragged breathing, emanates from his earthy form. “Alvina? I don’t believe I’ve ever met her… And nonsense, Huds! You are quite the catch! Any girl would be….WHAT?!?” As soon as the alchemist mentions the ooze on her pants, the witch eeps and without hesitation undoes her pants, giving Hudson a perfect view of her black lace panties and derriere. As the leggings reach her ankles, the woman has to bend over even further, to undo her boots. Lana doesn’t seem to suffer any burns, as her leggings were rather thick, and the runes likely protected her shapely legs. However, her feet are another story, as a few drops of the ooze managed to seep into the leather and scatter some painful burns across the sole of her left foot. The pants and boots are discarded to the side, as the empath hops on one foot, wincing in pain, in nothing more than a corset and panties. Thankfully, she manages to steer clear of the ooze puddle, and not hop further into the treacherous liquid. “Ouch. Ouch. Ouch! Huds… Help!” She manages, looking up at Hudson with wide eyes and a helpless expression on her pretty face. There was no time for humility as she was half naked, and she didn’t seem to have a chance of clothing on her, so she didn’t give her nakedness a second though. The burns on the bottom of her foot, though, were causing searing pain to run from her sole, to the heel, and up her ankle.

Hudson is utterly unprepared for this. "Woaaaaah!" he exclaims as Lanara rather abruptly begins stripping. He's not sure how this played out in his mind - clearly all women had a change of clothes on their person, what else were those gigantic purses for - but this is not exactly what he had anticipated. He gets an eyeful before his senses catch up with him, and then he rather pointedly looks at Ralph, who wolf-whistles. Apparently in a better mood now. Lanara is shouting for help, and he gives up any pretense of politeness and looks at her, hopping about half-nakedly. He curses. "Too late. I guess it got you," he comments, unsure of what he, somewhat mediocre (and that's being generous) alchemist can do for her. "Here, come on," he says, holding out his arm for her grab hold. Cleo is watching the proceedings with interest. "Right. Let's find a place for you to sit. I can run some water on that, but. Then I guess you'll have to see an actual doctor. Do you have other clothes?"

Lanara winces and groans, as a single tear trickles down her slightly tanned cheek. At the catcall, the woman glances up at Ralph and shifts her gaze to Hudson, bewildered. “Do I look like I have another set of clothes?” Biting back from spitting obscenities, she clasps her arm around Hudson’s, and limps over to the large pot. Flipping it over, she lowers herself onto the large pot bottom, and crosses her legs, allowing Hudson to pour the water over the bottom of her foot. While he was pouring water, Lana is rifling through her satchel for some salve and herbs, to make a poultice for her injury. “I hope it heals. Walking with a permanent limp would be such a bummer!” Ralph, overhears the comment, and can’t help but chuckle, which would earn him an icy glare.

Hudson opens his mouth and then opts (perhaps wisely) to say nothing. Making a joke about the size of women's purses - and why are they so large, if not to carry extra clothes - is maybe not appropriate given the circumstances. Instead, he helps Lanara to sit down, and then fetches his water bottle, which he empties over her foot. Unclear if it helps - doubtful - but Lanara seems to have something more useful in mind, so he helps her get her bag and then busies himself dumping the rest of soil around Ralph while she rummages about. "Er, should we take you to the clinic?" he asks, privately having a panic attack at the idea of showing up with Lanara in underwear to face Josleen. He eyes her broom. At least they wouldn't both be riding horseback! A crack of lightning crosses the sky, and his gaze jerks toward it. "We gotta get out of here."

Lanara impatiently blows a stray lock of hair from her visage, and shakes her head, responding to Hudson with a faint smile. “I will be fine. You go ahead. Really. I am going to fly to Gualon, once I bandage my foot. I work on the farm there, rmember? All of my supplies are there, and I am sure I can mend my injury. Please, don’t worry. I have suffered worse.” As she speaks, a blend of crushed herbs and a clear ointment was smeared onto the base of her foot, which would ease the sting of the burn. Following that, she gently ties a bandage around her foot, and slowly rises to her feet, though she favors her right side. After a second thought, she glances at Ralph. “Will he be okay? Do you need my assistance, anymore, Huds? If not, I will be on my way, and we can meet up later?”

Hudson peers at Lanara's foot, evidently at peace with the fact that they're just straight chilling on a Xalious hillside with her in her underwear and a corset and a talking ficus tree. "I'm sure it'll be fine," he says, with all the swagger of somebody who knows what he's talking about, but actually doesn't. He waves off any concern about Ralph. "Ralph's a plant, I think he'll manage," he says to Lanara. What was it about Ralph that endeared women to him? That guy/plant was a dick! Another flash of lightning blazes against the sky, which has grown dark - when did that happen? - and ominous. Hudson passes Lanara her broom, saving her a few limping steps, and then unties Cleo and swings himself up. "Beware the lemmings," Ralph is murmuring, his branches shuddering. This making no sense, it doesn't delay Hudson's departure. "Nope, I'd say it's time to blow this popsicle stand," he says, winking at her. "Get out safe. Cute underwear," is the last thing he says, making the universal shushing sign with his forefinger, just before he rides off.