RP:Goblin The Name Of Love
Summary: Camina shows up with a mission from the Warrior's Guild and a detective from her native island chain near Rynvale called The Belt. Detective Miller's a bit nuts. Brand's gross. Camina makes life tough for Khitti. The Herzegler honeymoon destination has been determined. It's your typical KhittiBrand day off. (Part 1 of ?)
Part of the Through The Looking-Glass: Return To Wonderland Arc
This is a Warrior's Guild RP.
“Goblin the Name of Love” (hunt details)
Rank: B
Suggested complexity: Two to three RP sessions; partner(s) mandatory
Location: Dealer’s choice (anywhere reasonable is fine)
Immediate Reward: 4000 gold
Description: A bounty has been put out for the safe rescue of a certain male goblin who has been kidnapped for ransom money by other goblins. You must make contact with the Heck’In goblin tribe and meet with the Goblin Princess Mmm’gal, who will reveal that it is her betrothed, the would-be Goblin Prince Mmm’guy, who has been taken by the vengeful Frakk’in goblin tribe. Once you’ve learned where to find the Frakk’in goblins, it’s up to you to put an end to their madness and save Mmm’guy for his beloved Mmm’gal. Beware the Frakk’in goblin leader, Ugh’wha’tevs.
The Herzegler Apartment, Above The Ginger Snapped Bakery, Cenril
Khitti || Slowly working her way down a list Khitti’d written on a piece of paper, she either crossed off, checkmarked, or starred places her and Brand could potentially go on their honeymoon. “Okay, so. ‘Frak no’ to Venturil, Frostmaw, and Larket. Unless we wanted to burn down two of the three. ‘Maybe’ to Chartsend, Rynvale, Xalious, and the Enchantment. Gualon is also possible if you want to have a lobster for a wife.” Khitti let out a ‘hm’. “Definitely ‘no’ to Taylebeck, Ferminville and Trist’oth.” She eyed Brand, as Brand did… Brand things. “We could go to Vailkrin. Could try to rent the castle. It’s not like there’s anyone to live there anyway right now.” This was probably not going to be an idea Brand liked. Khitti knew this. But, she decided to try it anyway.
Khitti || Thankfully for Brand though, that conversation wouldn’t get far, because there was a knock at the door. And it wasn’t your typical knock. It was a super secret knock. The type that Khitti only told to certain people so her and Brand knew whether or not to ignore it. The type that usually came from people on super important business. “If you hurry, we could be having sex instead of me getting up to answer the door. Because that’s more than likely someone with bad news. Someone with bad news with a very thick accent and black makeup that puts mine to shame.” Spoilers: it’s Camina.
Brand cocked an eyebrow. "What kind of bad news?" Not that he was -opposed- to having sex, obviously, but he was kind of... otherwise occupied at the moment. As in... he was in the bathroom. Hard to transition from taking a dump directly into sex -- even for someone who liked having sex as much as Brand did. "Maybe you should just answer it. I might be a while, still." Please excuse the unspeakable butt noises, Camina. Brand's bowels weren't expecting your arrival.
Khitti || Unfortunately for Camina, she’s a half elf and she heard everything. “Khitti, if you don’t open this door, I’m gonna shove you out the window and push your husband’s face in the toilet.” It’s safe to say that she wouldn’t flush first. Sorry, Brand. Khitti did indeed open the door and gave the darkly clad half elf a very long and drawn out, “Caaaaaamiiiiiiinnnnnaaaaa. Daaaarling. My best murder friend. How aaaaaare you?” Khitti batted her eyes cutely at her assistant, shutting the door behind her. “Don’t mind Brand. He’s gross. I don’t know why I married him.” Khitti’s joking of course. “What’s up, buttercup?”
Khitti|| Camina, who was probably one of the farthest from being a ‘buttercup’ and knew Khitti loved to call her these things because Khitti is a royal bitch, just smirked at her boss. “Found a mission for you two to take care of. Sounds like it’s perfect for the both of you,” the islander woman said, handing over a scrap of paper with the info on it. “A goblin prince of the Heck’In tribe has been taken prisoner by an opposing tribe, called the Frakk’In, and ransom money wanted in return. The opposing tribe is…” The redhead blinked, squinted at the paper in disbelief, and then continued, “...living on an artificial island in the middle of the ocean. It’s entirely made of some sort of silvery sticky cloth called ‘duck tape’ and is kept afloat by strapping the entire town to giant jellyfish.” There’s another few blinks, “What the actual hell.”
Brand || “The frakkin’ tribe? The heckin’ tribe?” Brand called through the bathroom door. “You serious? Or you jus’ come here to pull our leg?” Or maybe goblins just had some really unusual naming schemes -- but Brand wasn’t exactly considering that the most likely option. “But okay, let’s say we go on this suspicious-sounding mission -- what’s in it for us?”
Khitti || “Fortune and glory, kid,” said Camina, knowing full well that Brand was older than she was, but he didn’t need to know that. She’s a mysterious half elf that could be well into her hundreds now. Khitti sighed and shook her head, “Seriously though. It’s the Warrior’s Guild. It’s probably gold. Or something. Do goblins have gold? I guess they must if one tribe has a floating city.” She looked back at the paper the job had been jotted down onto. “Guess that prince was about to get married. Marriage means money. Money means more whiskey and cheesecake.” Only just now had Khitti realized that she and Camina were having a conversation with Brand while he was on the toilet. “BRAND. Get the hell out of there, for gods’ sake.” Insert a sigh and an eyeroll here.
Khitti || “There’s a Belter named Miller that was originally on the case, I guess, but he’s been spewing nonsense about doors and corners ever since he came back from trying to get the Prince back. If that husband of yours would get off his ass, I’d bring Miller upstairs. Left him downstairs when he started asking your waitress what rain tastes like.” Khitti just stared at Camina, then shrugged. “Well… If anyone’s gonna get through crazy then it’s probably me. I dunno about Brand though because he’s barely gotten through to me in all of almost four years.”
Brand || “Oh, come on!” Brand complained. “I promise you don’t want me to get off the bowl mid-dump.” He’d be a lot more graphic normally, but … he didn’t actually know Camina all that well. “Gimme a sec and I’ll finish up.” After some more butt noises and bathroom noises, handwashing, and the lighting of incense (to help mask the smell)... Brand finally emerged. “Okay, fine. Bring ‘im in.”
Khitti pinched the bridge of her nose with a sigh. This was not the fairy tale ending she’d been expecting when it came to marrying Brand. Not that it was gonna be much of one anyway, -but still-. Camina leaned out the door and called down to her fellow Belter, “Hey, Miller! Someone up here wants to hear about the doors and corners!”, to which she was responded to with a very Brand-like male with a very odd and long mohawk-style haircut heading up the stairs with a purpose. His purpose? To preach the good word of the doors and corners. Before he could reach the top of the steps, however, Khitti iced the entire bathroom door to keep the #BrandSmell from offending their guests’ noses anymore than it already had.
Khitti || “Hey, uh…” Miller snapped his fingers a few times as he sat down at their kitchen table, looking for the right word,”Khat. Yeah. That’s what Camina called you. Khat, what the hell does rain taste like? Never get to taste it when it’s stormin’ ‘cause I’ve got this hat, you see. This hat keeps the rain off my head.” He patted the fedora on his head and nodded knowingly. Khitti nodded in return, “Yeah. It tastes like nothingness. I hate it.” There’s an awkwardly long pause until Camina elbowed Khitti in the ribs, “Right. Yes. Doors and corners. So what’s the story then?” Miller’s eyes lit up as ‘doors and corners’ were mentioned again. He clapped his hands once and spread them out in front of himself as if to say ‘okay, look’. “See, here’s the thing. I’m walkin’ with this goblin. We’re talkin’ and I’m trying to find this guy that’s been kidnapped. But he’s not talkin’. Instead, he’s trying to sell me life insurance and I’m like ‘look, kid. I don’t need any life insurance. I need to find this prince.’ And he keeps on going with the insurance bit. We keep walkin’. Turning round corners until finally… finally… we go through the door and I’m not payin’ attention to anything but this green guy. I went through the door too fast. You know what happens when you go through doors too fast, yeah? It’ll eat-cha. And see, so I’m thinkin’... maybe that room ate that prince too. Problem is, in a place like that, there’s a whole lotta doors. A whole lotta doors that’ll eat-cha.” Khitti had no words for any of this and she tried really hard to hide the odd mix of surprise and confusion on her face. It wasn’t working though.
Brand nodded like he understood perfectly. Go figure. “So what you’re sayin’ is, the prince is in a big place with a whoooole lotta rooms, that sound about right? That narrows it down a good bit -- not that many huge honkin’ places around here, especially if we know it’s gotta be in goblin territory. And then… right when you were about to see the guy, they… knocked you out or sommat, so you wouldn’t be able to tell anyone where the guy was.” Except they’d failed, clearly, because here he was and here they were, listening to the tale. “Good, good. Thanks.” Brand moves to shake the guy’s hand. He’s pretty bad at making eye contact, though. Too busy coveting this Miller guy’s hat. It’s a nice hat. And Brand wants it.
Khitti stared at Brand, then at Miller, then back at Brand. -Of course- Brand would be the one to understand. He translated the thing well enough for Khitti though, so that her own brain could start ticking away. “Well, it’s not in just any place though. It’s on this weird island,” she said waving the paper around a bit, her next words directed at Miller, “Do you remember where it’s at?” Miller nodded and ‘pfft’ at the redhead in a very Brand-like manner, “What? Yeah. ‘Course I do. It’s by The Belt. Big ol’ shiny silver city floatin’ on jellies.” Miller eventually shook Brand’s hand. He wasn’t making any eye contact either, on account of thinking about the doors and corners. “-You- need a hat. Keeps the rain off your head. Out there? Middle of nowhere and no hat? Get yourself swallowed up by those doors if you don’t. Didn’t have my hat that day. Now I can’t remember a damned thing.” Except, you know, he remembered enough to piece things together.
Brand “Say no more, compadre.” That’s Belter for ‘friend’. (How did Brand pick up bits of the Belter language? It’s anyone’s guess.) “I shall wear only the finest of hats. Like yours, for example. Where’d you get it?” Oh no. If someone didn’t intervene quickly, this conversation was about to thoroughly derail into the finer points of hat-wearing and hat-style and the benefits and drawbacks of certain kinds of hats in certain kinds of environments. Brand would be fine with this, of course… but Khitti and Camina weren’t likely to be.
Khitti wouldn’t be fine with it but Camina on the other hand was as much of a spiteful bitch as her boss. And she loved pranking Khitti and ruining her life any chance she got. But, you know, in the nicest way possible. “Ayy, I think you got that from the hat shop on one of the islands, yeah?” Miller nodded enthusiastically and proudly like a small child after having just gotten their stick figure drawing put up on the fridge. Grinning cruelly, Camina continued to hatch her little scheme, “And you two are still trying to find a place for your honeymoon, yeah? Why not go to The Belt? Brand can get his hats. You can get your vacation. It’s a win-win.”
Khitti || An island? Don’t they see enough ocean as it is? Khitti gave the half-elf a very forced ‘why are you like this’ face, then cautiously looked to Brand for his thoughts on the matter. “I mean… I guess it’s some place we’ve never been… and technically, I think we’ve been nearly everywhere in Lithrydel.”
Brand nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, good. We’ll go to the islands. I will get many hats. All of the hats. All the best hats.” Had he even heard the bit about having their honeymoon? Or had he completely stopped listening as soon as the hats were mentioned? Knowing Brand, it was probably the latter… “And then while we’re in the area we can go save this prince guy. In our stylish hats. You’re comin’ too, right, Camina? Miller? The more hats, the merrier.”
Khitti let out a very audible sigh and slouched over, hitting her head on the table. She’s dead, Jim. She doesn’t respond. Because she’s dead. Camina and Miller on the other hand? Yeah, they’re going. Of course they’re going. Camina had to continue ruining Khitti’s life and Miller needs to make sure Brand got plenty of hats. Whatever happened, Khitti and Brand wasn’t gonna do this alone.