Duel:Uchawiman v Valentin

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Background

This OOC duel is part of the appropriately named Epicly Awesome Tourney


For the E.A.T, Uchawiman and Valentin determined a foodfight seemed appropriate. In addition, the tourney set the gravity at 1/4 of normal (moonjumping level)


Location: Enchantment Throne Room


Two large wooden doors serve as entry to this elegant, but simply decorated space. The center focal point of the room are twin thrones that rest on a finely loomed rug. With the wood of their frames rich in cherry color,they are perfectly matched in size and shape with the only defining difference being the hues of the fine upholstery covering the seats and backs and the elegantly carved initials atop each. The one to the left is covered in a rich crimson with a silver trim sporting an ornately defined 'V' for Venturil, while the right is in a contrasting, though complimenting deep emerald donned with a similar trim to the first. The lettering on the companion throne mirrors the style and font of its twin with an 'E' to signify Enchantment. As your eye travels to the westward wall, an archway is seen opening to a spacious dining area. Centered there atop another decorative rug, is a massive table of finely crafted cherry matching the wooden motif prevalent within the throne room. The windows are draped in heavy fabrics which compliment the colors of the thrones, a cushioned bench residing under each for additional seating to view the adjacent Courtyard. A spiral staircase winds just in the background leading up to what can be assumed are the private chambers.



OOC setup

Judges: Sophie, Svilfon, Jolie (Mid)

Uchawiman said, "ooc: There will be a 15 minute post timer. Valentin has first attack and final defense. He announces when the duel starts. This is more a joint show than an actual contest and whoever you end up preferring, keep in mind we made this all up together."

Sophie said, "understood Uchawiman. You guys are trying to give us a good laugh <3"

Valentin ooc nods with a grin "However, we have agreed that my first post can be ten minutes, to give some time for the setup + first attack, and my final defense will be five minutes. Stakes, of course, are Ranok's favourite stuffed toy. >.>

Uchawiman oocly wants that thing so bad he can taste it.

Valentin notes Ranok is not aware of this most secret of stakes >.>

Uchawiman said, "ooc: Untill now that is."

Ranok will mother<oh my!>ing kill whoever touches Mister Lumpy! :o

Cyllarus smacks Ranok. "You should know better by now."

Valentin cackles oocly "We know its name, Uchawiman! Muahahaa!"


The Iron Chef Challenge: an E.A.T foodfight for Mister Lumpy

It had begun with a misplaced sigil, a mispronounced syllable, and Valentin's possession by his own damn smartass shadow. With the normally taciturn butcher having become the mischievous shadow's powerless puppet, Shadow Valentin went hunting for his one nemesis, the one being able to really stir his stew: The Uchawiman, irksome Voodoo manphibian. And now, after lengthy searching, there the damn frog was: grinning it up in a throne room of all places. Shadow Valentin steps inside, to find his step become a bounding movement. The bloody Jersher! What did it think it was doing, turning gravity into some kind of metaphysical souffle?! Landing, Shadow Valentin pauses a moment to speak in tones lightly satayed in high drama "Hot or cold, frog, Vengeance is going to be a dish served in -Style- today! Prepare to be roasted as I cook up your doom as a three course meal!" With flesh-Valentin its well-behaved puppet, Shadow Valentin bows theatrically as shadow and flesh link back together, bowler hat converted to chef's hat, to form Shadow Chef Valentin "Let the cook-off begin!" With a leap barely inhibited by gravity, Shadow Chef Valentin spins into the air and summons shadowy eggs and loaves, rapidly slicing the bread into slices, shadowy flames dancing to grill toast and cook eggs, the toast being cut again into smaller toast soldiers. As his spinning leap reaches his apex, the Shadow Chef proclaims exuberantly "...and now for the entree! I shall break your fast with the taste of your own demise! Consider yourself... toasted!" And indeed shadowy toast soldiers with little legs and arms are sent flying at the Uchawiman with Shadow Chef Valentin's every descending spin, armed with eggbombs filled with noxious shadow. Eggbombs are thrown at the Uchawiman, releasing their curry without currying favour while the toast soldiers, born and bread as warriors, adopt a diminutive fighting stance known in gourmet circles as 'Kung food'. Shadow Chef Valentin proclaims "We have an Eggceptional meal for the tasters today, but omelette you judge that for yourselves!"


Uchawiman sat like a gosh darn -king- in his throne of thrones in the dining hall. No. Seriously. It's built out of thrones. A giant throne. Made of thrones. Get it yet? Throne throne. Throne throne throne. ...throne. And he was a king, in fact! Of sorts! Kinda! The king of chefs! No, not that stinking rat with the Italian accent as sexual-predator grin. Ew. What do you take this for!? Pg 13! No! He was the iron chef! In his epically epic chef suit, hat and with his giant iron spatula! How epic? Well, you know that scene in Armageddon? The really epic one? Compared to this that's a toddler drawing with it's own snot. On your shoo. And it's not even your kid! Personally I'd throw it out the window like a pitcher hurls a screw ball infested with radioactive termites. But that's just me. And now there's this not-so-much-a-kid guy with the ugly muttonchops! It's like he took my grandmas wig and stuck it on his cheeks! And he wants to fight the frog! The iron chef! Well. Okay. Here we go. You want a chef-fu battle!? You'll get one! Yeah! Go get him Ucha! ….I said go get him! Move you lard-in-a-epic-suit-I-tottaly-don't-wan't-in-real-life-at-all! And he does! "Mi'll show you true cuisine, maan! Yu soldiers be badly trained. Sloppy salad mongers!!" he exclaims like that sergeant telling you to save the world! He back flips in almost slow motion, only it isn't slow motion because that'd be stupid, and swings his spatula around like some anime swordsman! And now it's a giant tube! With a big-ass bowl at the end! Filled with salad-stuffs! "Say 'ello taa Mi lil' friend!!" yells the frog in not-at-all-a-ripoff-imitation-voice. Bonchunka! Bonchunka! Bunchunka! He fire's salad-planes and bullets piloted by small voodoo chef-ions (that's chef minions.) that slam into the soldiers like heat seeking missiles! And the all hover around for a while. Gotta get some drama in this mix, yeah? And here's the little friend! Who's... totally little. If you call a me tiny and a giant 'kinda big'. Yeah. It's a big ass salad golem! It's like! Raaaawr! Roaaar! Ima angry coz I aint go no brain and I'm salad! No one likes salad but lonely soccer moms and insecure teenagers! But! It takes out it's wrath on Valentin! Yup! It goes all hulk up in there! Even shoots dressing-beams from it's eyes! Heck yeah!


And then... everybody was kung food fighting! Toast soldiers moving fast as lightning... and it was a little bit frightening... with the salad golem arriving. But Shadow Chef Valentin had this covered. "Prepare countdown to lunch! 10.... 9... 8... I lied! Heeeeres your traditional sunday roast. Have a I got a beef with you? Oh yes, yes I do." He Leaps up to avoid the green golem's eyebeam saladations, bounding from toast soldier to wounded toast soldier, ignoring the crumbs littering the ground as beneath him arises the biggest shadow-roast golem man has ever seen. Leg of lamb? Baaaaa! Make that two legs, two arms, a roast pumpkin head, and a whoooole lot of beef. "Lettuce say, Uchawiman, that your salad is a bit on the light side, compared to this butcher's delight! How about you meat -my- little friend for a high-steaks wrestling match!" That beefy golem would get one opportunity to open up its torso and fire several ribs at The Uchawiman. And then the titans of the lunchbox would clash, each trying to get to the others' controller, celery and gravy flying. The toast soldiers continue fighting the chefions, and the cleaners... the cleaners would weep unto the third generation.


Uchawiman was the god darn iron chef! Don't come here with no ribs! He goes all wire-fu and whips around in the air martial-arting the heck out of those ribs. He even grabbed one and went all sci-fi-action-movie, smacking the rest away! Then he kicked off the wall like you do in a pool (without flying across the room and hitting his head on the other side! That'd be sooo lame.) and swam at Valentin like a pro crawler! Only underwater! Only he's not! Coz he's in the air! At low gravity! Not zero but.. you know. Close enough! When he hits the ground, yes he does. He's the iron chef, not the man of steel. Tiny difference. Mine's more awesome. Yeah. Read it and weep. It's true. Rule of cool and all that. So anyway. He takes a stick and smacks it into the rib! And then it's a crank! Which he cranks! And the rib turns into a whisk that whisks out spagetti! Flamethrower style! "Mi naa need yu meat, fat boi! Yu haf no personality wit da food!!" he said! A true lecture from the one and only iron chef! Master of food and chef-fu! King of the..... uh... cheffyness? Gimme a break I only have so much material here! -YOU- try to narrate this stuff! And people wounder why I'm mad!? Oh and meanwhile: The salad-champion-of-all-lettuce opened up an arm like a mecha-gun chute and fired out a minigun thingy! Only it's carrots instead of bullets. Which is way worse if you ask me. Death by carrot. Carrot to the head. Jikes. That'd suck.


Let us focus, for a moment, on one poor little toast soldier. It has lost an arm, lost a leg... lost the only fight of its short-lived life. But it lived well, and fought well: for when bread rises to the occasion, it's the yeast it can do! But wait! Forget that little hors-douvre. There is a salad cannon? The Uchawiman had a salad cannon?! Egads! The horror! Roast Pumpkin goes everywhere! The shadow-roast golem soon finds itself without its roast-pumpkin head, but Shadow Chef Valentin cackles "Muahahaaaa! You fool! You fell for my cunning plan! What was a vegetable doing on a meat roast? Nothing, that's what! Here's an end to your cindarella cooking story!" The shadow roast golem attempts to wrap its meaty limbs around that tasteless salad golem, and would hope for a carrot-cracking sound should it succeed and begin squeezing, desiring to squeeze so hard the dressing comes out! Meanwhile, Shadow Chef Valentin pulls out a shadowy cane, and starts dancing gleefully up around the room, bouncing from shadow-step to shadow step through the air in graceful low-gravity leaps. "Enough with entree, enough with lunch. Let's even skip dinner, Uchawiman, and see to it you receive your just desserts!" He points at the Uchawiman with his cane, the shadowy chef's hat looking suspiciously like a tophat for a moment "The proof, as they say, is in the pudding! And yes, with the custard of assure victory on top!" And Lo, the shadowy heavens did open, and it did rain viscous, shadowy, sticky date pudding until the throne room was covered in a squelching morass, and Yea, down came the shadowy custard. Shadow Chef Valentin calls out triumphantly "Do you like the custard? I find its flavour to be... legen-Dairy!"


Uchawiman was all grinny and stuff! Beating away soldiers and hurling screaming chef-ions allover the place! He was a hurricane of chef-fu! A storm of foody destruction! He was a frog in a kitchen masters getup! What could be more awesome! Well! A wrestling match between salad and meat, of course! And there you go! We have that too! Stay on this channel or I'll kill your dog! Oh wait. Wrong script. You know what? [tearing noise] scripts are for loosers! And I'd be darned if I am a looser after all this! So here we go! The self-portrait of me in salad form explodes. Yup. You heard me. It was hugged harder than a grandson by his grandma with the strength of a terminator and went POP like a balloon full of dressing and explosive avocado. Yup. Explosive avocado. Roll with it. Meanwhile! The chef-ions roar in triumph and leap together onto the floor beneath the smashed dining table. Building a huge pile! Ucha? He just grinned at the pudding and round-house kicked a toasty hero into the wall. "If da pudding comes from heaven man!" he said and went POOF! Sending beads, beans and cookies flying everywhere. And he appeared in the same way on top of the pile. "Then Mi release chocolate hell!!" and BOOM goes the dynamite! The chef-ion pile melted into to floor and then it burst open in a volcano of chocolate pudding!! it was everywhere. It send the frog hurling to gods know where. I don't even really care. Honest. The Coco-counterpart of Valentin's delicious rain of doom flows into the room in a stream stronger then a train at rush hour. Tearing the roof way and filling the room like a river of gunky goodness!


Valentin tries to dodge, delicately wafting through the air like an elusive fruitfly in the low gravity. Unfortunately, there was nowhere to dodge to, and the Shadow Chef finds himself hoist 'pon his own puddingy petard. It's hard to be dapper and moustache-twirlingly evil when plastered against the far wall by chocolate pudding. Still, Shadow Chef Valentin was proud, chocolate and custard dripping off him in gobs and sweet splashes. He had conjured a three-course meal worthy of the five-star restaurant called 'Vendetta'. He decides to taste the two puddings to compare, only for the chocolate pudding to go down the wrong way. As the challenger to the title of 'Iron Chef' starts coughing and spluttering, we can only ask one question: Will this be death by chocolate?


Judges' Decision

Vote count 2 - 1 in Valentin's favour

Jolie said OOC, "(my ooc is off) - sorry for the delay, but here's to announce that Valentin is the winner of the Comedy E.A.T duel against Uchawiman. Omg, you two.... nearly suffocated laughing."